Psychiatrist, psychotherapist Lev Olegovich Perezhogin, Doctor of Medical Sciences, Associate Professor. The coach abuses the child. I have no idea what to do. My child has problems with his coach.
I’ll try to describe it in order and without emotion. But I can’t get enough letters. Try to master it - I really need advice or at least fresh thoughts.
The child has been swimming for 6 years; two years ago we switched (we asked to see her) to a coach who was recommended to us and highly praised as a specialist. I must say that we don’t have many coaches, and if we count sports groups, then I know three - ours, her husband and a young guy with whom they constantly compete (they didn’t take him into account before, but his children began to show no worse, but sometimes better results) She is a unique lady for us, as a coach she is demanding, quite responsible, the results of her students are also among the best in the city. As a person, it’s difficult and incomprehensible for me (I’m afraid not only for me, because she’s already quarreled with both the management and the team in two swimming pools) An eternally dissatisfied face, it’s impossible to understand anything, but statuses on networks about ungrateful people, etc.
Having passed last year, my child completed two sports categories within a year and outperformed all her peers, despite the fact that she is small and thin. I believe this is due to the fact that our coach (let’s call her TR) has a stronger emphasis on strength training than the previous one. Of course she flew happy. At the end of the year, we went to competitions from Russian Railways without a coach (the sports school has nothing to do with Russian Railways), passed the selection and went to the finals in Sochi, also without TR, and were injured there (I cut my leg while riding a bicycle - the result was 8 stitches and a month without training) .
This year the results began and almost froze, naturally the child turned sour, conversations began “he might quit,” and the strength training (running, skiing at the training camp) was the best in the group. I tried to talk to TR that the child was turning sour - he was trying as hard as he could, but there were no results, maybe there was a problem with the technique? TR said she tried to talk to her, she leaves. The child is indeed often inattentive and may “listen and not hear” or not understand what is being said to her, or understand it in her own way. At the slightest cry, she used to start crying, but now she’s trying to restrain herself, so she scowls, falls silent and tries to leave, and then at home she either freaks out or sobs, or all of the above (as I understand, from the outside her arrogance is perceived as arrogance and stubbornness) After the conversation, TR seems I started working with her more closely, explaining mistakes, even the results began to shift a little.
Now the situation itself: this year the Russian Railways Spartakiad is again (the child always waits for it like a miracle). Well, the miracles began. Our TR stated that either the children go with her or they don’t go at all. She was somehow taken (for selection). To be fair, it must be said that all three children who went were her pupils and of course it was normal that she went, although I repeat that she has nothing to do with Russian Railways and I don’t know how they did it. My child passed the selection, the final in Kazan (of course there is a lot of happiness), the organizers asked whether they would let her go or not, she replied that her parents would let her go, but the coach would not. To which the organizers said that the main thing is that the parents let them go. I don’t know in what form this was said verbatim, I wasn’t there. But
Our TR arrived blacker than a cloud, we decided that she was offended for being greeted without flowers and deferams (there were already such hints before) Well, I can’t spill “You are the best and irreplaceable, thank you very much,” etc. The maximum I can do - this is on: “Congratulations” We decided to improve, the child went to training with candy, it turns out she wrote words of gratitude in her diary (I saw it later). She came upset, she scolded her that she “didn’t need a coach,” and handed out candy to the children after the workout.
In the evening I decided to write to her in OK and asked what happened, that the child understood that she had offended her, she did not understand why. It turns out that our TR raised the issue that “left-wing” people accompany children to the final, who just want to ride to such competitions, their child was injured, but the coach should accompany him, and the child said that the parents let him go, and the coach’s opinion does not matter. I spent the whole evening trying to calm her down and explain that if the coach was not important, then the child would not worry so much, and that we cannot influence who will be taken as an accompaniment, the child simply will not be taken either (there have already been such cases when the children were not released and they were filmed), that there was also an accompanying good people. All the answers were in a sarcastic tone like “Do as you want, I realized that I should know my place and mind my own business, don’t let your good people worry,” etc.
Now during training she doesn’t work with her at all (she gives general tasks and that’s it, swims and lets swim) All statuses, with hints and insults. The last one is under the photo, her pupil came third, she is congratulated in OK - her answer (believe us in our address)
Thank you! All that remains is to wish the same to all the other smart people! They can too if they want to work!
20:37
Unless, of course, the coach is given a place to sit next to him, otherwise they will say: “Your number is last, don’t poke your nose into something that’s not your own, we’re nuggets ourselves!”
I don’t want to quarrel with her, I don’t want to turn the child against her, but the child’s psyche is more important to me than sports results.
I don't understand WHAT SHE WANTS FROM US???
18.12.2003, 11:21
At our school we go to Tekwando. Somehow I haven’t come in before and watched the training. But the last few training sessions I came early and watched. There is a window on top where you can look into the gym. And I saw that the coach was ignoring my child. That is, over the course of several training sessions, he did not come up to him even once to practice the technique or correct it. He approaches others five times, and pays attention to some all the time. In general, he works with the strongest. Well, for those who are weaker, he will approach you a couple of times during the lesson. And mine is not strong, not weak. average Sometimes he does the right thing and sometimes he doesn’t, but the coach passes him by for the life of him.
Well, it can’t be because he thought that I didn’t pay last month. And I paid, only another coach (they changed before) did not note my payment. And this one (who ignores my son) came up to me and spoke, but when he found out that I had paid, he said that there were no more questions for me. But maybe he didn't believe it? It's stupid though.
I was greatly offended by this lack of attention. I’m thinking about how to act smarter. I don’t want to leave this particular section. She is at our school, all his classmates study here. And before, when the coaches changed, my child showed good results. And now this one and here..... And this Saturday there will be an exam. But he didn’t work on mine at all for the exam.
In general, this is apparently some kind of association. They have camps for all holidays.
18.12.2003, 11:21
And I didn’t write the question itself. That is, what should I do?
18.12.2003, 13:39
Monad, I advise you to go directly to the coach and ask about your son’s successes, how he works out, what his strengths and weaknesses Ask your son if the coach is helping him, whether everything is working out for him and if not, then whether he turns to the coach for help, etc.
I communicate with my coach once a month in exactly this way, I ask everything, but bullshit, I entrusted my child, I pay for the training, I want to know the results. Don’t worry!!!
18.12.2003, 23:11
Come on with this taekwondo. This sport will not help your son in a fight. It’s something between dancing and gymnastics. Give it to the Kudo section. See the website of the Interregional Kudo Federation.
19.12.2003, 05:48
Can you give me a link?
19.12.2003, 05:50
found it already. But I drive this Tekwondo because it’s also convenient.
19.12.2003, 06:18
What's wrong with dancing or gymnastics for a child (and not only)? These are plasticity, coordination, stretching, precision of movements.
Later - philosophy. And *fighting and fighting* is also a science that requires preparation.
Moreover, it is convenient for mother and child.
The author should approach the coach and talk to him politely. If the coach continues to ignore you, but the child is not affected, leave everything as it is and later look for a new section that is convenient for you. To make any sense, the child must be corrected and praised. Ignoring it really hurts your pride, not to mention your progress in learning.
19.12.2003, 14:58
It’s the same with us, only we go to choreography. True, I found out one thing for myself during the conversation - the child is small, he was given away early, and is not ready yet. But sometimes they note positive sides(the child himself talks about this: today this and that happened, Yulya Arkadyevna said this and that). Before talking, talk to your child first, but without focusing on the problem. It may happen that your child is comfortable in the section. We were very worried that she couldn’t stand on the bridge, that others were getting help, but she wasn’t. But it turned out that it was just too early for her.
19.12.2003, 22:47
Dancing and gymnastics are great. But in martial arts, boys mainly want to learn how to fight properly. And then at the age of 14-17, realizing that you spent 5-7 years on the wrong type of martial arts is a shame. It is very difficult to relearn later. In many types of karate They teach you to stop blows and mark them.
19.12.2003, 22:52
Decide what you want. Ask your child. My son has been practicing judo at CSKA for 10 years. This is his sport. But Kudo doesn’t go. Although dad is a coach. Well, he’s afraid and doesn’t like to hit others. The attitude of the coach at CSKA is generally the same in training, they don’t give a damn. But this doesn’t mean anything. The child shows the results at competitions. So the coach is right. By the way, classes at CSKA are almost free. Where do you live?
Eva and children
19.12.2003, 23:46
How long have you been training? How long? The fact is that the first year children simply develop a certain base. In smart books it is called general physical training - general physical training. It is important that the child stretches properly, learns to breathe correctly, run, tuck, tumble, etc. .p. Everything else does not play a role yet and is carried out simply as an introductory, so to speak, introductory lesson. For us these are basic steps in taekwondo techniques. Of course, you need to talk to the trainer. But if you came to me, I would advise At home, be sure to stretch, push-ups, squats, pull-ups, jump and run every day. initial stage this is the most important thing. When the child’s muscles are ready for the future, we will begin to practice the techniques. In the meantime, general physical training is performed daily and many times.
Understand that in sports it is important that the child goes through EVERY stage and learns a certain skill from each stage. But they only teach tricks right away in the yard!
Eva and children
19.12.2003, 23:50
Let them throw tomatoes at me :-), but last year I had an interesting conversation with the president of one of the federations, a very prominent sports figure. So he told me that sending a child to such sports before the age of 10 is a mistake. When I asked, Why is this often taught almost from the cradle, he answered directly - commercial interest. To the question about the countries of the East, where the same thing is practically from birth - that they first lay a philosophical and general physical foundation, and then start directly to fight. After this conversation, I decided not to give Romka anywhere yet. However, he didn’t have much interest, basketball is a different matter :-)
20.12.2003, 00:53
So I’m talking about the same thing and my husband, who at one time practiced martial arts for a long time! Wrestling is not only about punches, but also about good physical training. preparation and philosophy!
Natasha Aprelikova
20.12.2003, 11:09
When I wanted to send my son to karate this fall, I was dissuaded in the same way. As a result, we go to the physical training session, they jump there, play, tumble, run, all in a playful manner. I see the results - I have become livelier, more active, more agile, my memory has become much better, oddly enough.
Natasha, Oleg (2 years old) and Andrey (5 years old)
Eva and children
20.12.2003, 13:30
You will be accepted into any section with open arms. The main thing is that the child understands that everything begins with general physical training, but general physical training also continues. When children come to me and ask what else they can do to improve their results, I answer “Run!!! “And also watch TV while sitting in the splits, pump your abs in pauses between lessons, jump rope in the yard and do pull-ups on anything that even remotely resembles a horizontal bar. And SPT will follow! But it’s easier for mom to think that it’s the coach who’s not working hard. Especially , when the child begins to have some success. Then immediately the music is not the same, and the costume is not the same, and “you worked with Olya for half an hour more than with us.” I just want to ask, what about you? done??? the child is tired - let him sleep longer, the child is hungry - here’s a bun instead of porridge! If you are serious about sports, remember that this is WORK!!! In music, choreography, foreign language it’s the same - everywhere part of the preparation falls on parents' shoulders. Of course, if you want to achieve results.
Eva and children
20.12.2003, 13:31
START!!! Otherwise, they will first teach us how to kick each other, and then they will tell you that you can only win with the power of the spirit. It’s a shame for the parents! They believe that they are doing THE SAME karate!!!
20.12.2003, 15:23
I understood everything. In short, he does not pay attention to the weak at all. For those who show no hope. But my son came after an illness and naturally fell behind. And here is the result. Maybe the coach really wanted to give him the opportunity to get into a rhythm. But I was so shocked by such a disregard that I started training with him at home. Lord, I’ve already taken up the taekwondo carriage. Trained well. I stood and watched the training. I remembered everything. And today there was a training session. My husband took him around and looked at him (I specifically asked him to) and says that today he got a lot of attention. And the child won the sparring match. That is, the results are coming and attention please.
And off. Well, everything a child does needs to be understood and practiced at home. Lord, I’ve already started to understand taekwondo.
And further. For some reason, in Tekwando they are given blows. Sparring is underway. This surprises me, I thought that there would only be general physical training, but they learn exactly how to fight. I didn't want any results. We also go to Greco-Roman, but on the contrary there is more physical strength there. Well, so be it, I don’t want any results. This ignoring just really hurt me, so I started training the child.
Good morning!
All the children’s reactions to this behavior of the coach (in my opinion, ridiculous, but maybe this is a feature of training at their school? I’m not an expert in martial arts, and I cannot exclude that the coach is pursuing his educational line in this way, by analogy with what how sergeants conduct it, forcing recruits to clean their boots with a toothbrush) can be divided into short-term and long-term.
Short-term reactions (feelings of resentment, anger, decreased mood, decreased performance, anger, etc.) are transient in nature and can be of varying degrees of severity depending on individual characteristics child, and are usually forgotten after a few days. They do not have any negative consequences on the future state of mental health, just as a black eye received in childhood does not have its consequences on wedding photography.
Long-term reactions, which are essentially neurotic in nature, are the result of a) chronic traumatic exposure; b) individual reduction of the threshold of resistance to stress; c) external influence environment which consolidates neurotic reactions. Not a single neurotic reaction lasts a lifetime, but it may well last for several years, and then (if an unfortunate combination of circumstances) be the cause of a personal transformation, which practically becomes indelible, acquiring the properties of a characterological feature.
What, in my opinion, should be done. 1) In the evening after training, ask your son if he likes working out in the section. Regardless of the answer yes or no, ask why you like it or why you don’t like it. Don't tell your child the answer! Just listen carefully, ask neutral questions - how is the lesson going, what did you learn to do, is your son tired, etc. 2) If during a 15-minute conversation the child does not say anything about the coach’s ridiculous jokes, then this topic is simply not relevant for him and there is no reason to worry. If the topic sounds neutral, ask if he was offended by the coach for making a stupid joke. If not, or at first you were offended and then forgot, then everything is fine again. 3) If the topic sounds sharp, if the feeling of resentment does not disappear until the evening, if the child remembers this episode with irritation and anger, then we have a short-term reaction. Then the conclusion is simple: either you ask the coach not to say that again (and remain confident that this really won’t happen again, and make it clear to your son that he won’t be offended again because you protected him), or you simply stop taking your child to the section . In any case, it is necessary to provide the child with compensatory replacement: it must be some kind of a difficult situation, which the child will cope with brilliantly (for everything to go according to plan, you must become a director for a while) - a hike, a competition, building a birdhouse or a dog kennel, swimming across a river to the opposite bank (in a word, something that, having accomplished which a young man can be proud of yourself). Never buy toys, etc. for consolation. - otherwise you will perpetuate the negative reaction, because the child will learn to benefit from it.
Child's age: 7 years
Coach humiliates a child
My daughter has been participating in the sports section for four years now. There are certain results. I knew that the coach could spank my arm or leg for incorrectly performed exercises. But today in the sports diary I saw an inscription in my daughter’s hand: “I’m a fool” and below a signature in an adult’s hand: “I confirm. There are no even attempts to hear and do.” I'm shocked. I asked my daughter how it was, it turns out that the coach forced her to write this phrase in her diary. She cried and wrote (to the question “why? You don’t think so..” the daughter said that she was afraid that she would be scolded). The coach said that at the next lesson she would either write “this is not true” or “I confirm” and so... today I saw what I described above. It is not customary for us to interfere in coaching work, but I think that this situation is out of the ordinary... Tell me what is the right way (for a child) to get out of this situation? She is a very emotional, open and vulnerable child... Thank you. Maria
Maria
I rarely speak like this, but this is an outrageous situation. I can recommend one of the possible solutions. Make an entry in my daughter’s diary: “If I don’t see an apology in writing, I will file a complaint with the director and the education department.” And if she doesn't apologize, really file a complaint. It is not necessary to follow the further fate of your complaint, do not set yourself the goal of somehow influencing or taking revenge on the coach, you asked the right question - “what is best for the child.” It is better for the child if you put reciprocal pressure on the coach who pressured and humiliated her, thus standing up for her defense. It is in actions that children believe, not in words. Your action will be a hundred times stronger than the words that “you are not a fool at all, you should not allow others to humiliate you.” Yes, it will ruin the relationship with the coach. But this is not important, because it is impossible to remain in this section under the guidance of a coach who uses humiliation of children, not to mention physical punishment, as a pedagogical technique. Moreover, if it is your child who has already suffered morally from the actions of the coach. So you need to leave anyway. But before leaving, you should record that you are ready, not in words, but in deeds, to defend the interests of your daughter. Use a threat against the coach, go to class with your daughter and wait for her in the lobby or locker room, and regardless of whether the coach apologizes or not, it is better that this is your daughter’s last class. Don’t go for further development of the conflict; on the contrary, avoid it; except for filing a complaint in the absence of an apology, nothing else is needed. Victory is not needed, the very fact of readiness for decisive action is needed.
