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Leonid Filatov

A fairy tale for the theater

(Based on Russian folklore)

Prankster
Believe it or not, I lived in this world
Fedot the Sagittarius, a daring fellow.
Fedot was neither handsome, nor ugly, nor rouge,
neither pale, nor rich, nor poor,
neither in scab, nor in brocade, but just like that.
Fedot's service includes fishing and hunting.
To the Tsar - game and fish, to Fedot - thank you.
Guests in the palace are like seeds in a cucumber.
One from Sweden, the other from Greece,
the third is from Hawaii - and give everyone something to eat!
One - lobster, the other - squid,
the third gets sardines, but there is only one earner!
One day they give him an order -
come to the court at just light in the morning.
The king looks like a morel, has a head like a fist,
and the malice in him is enormous.
He looks at Fedka like an ulcer man looks at a radish.
Fedka's shirt got wet from fear,
there was a pounding in the temples, a rumbling in the belly,
here, as they say, is the beginning of a fairy tale...

Tsar
Come to us for morning pickle
The English ambassador arrived,
And in our house there are snacks -
Half a slice and a corn.
Get ready, brother, let's go
Bring us some food -
Wood grouse al partridge.
Al isho someone.
If you can't - who to blame? -
I must execute you.
State affair,
Are you catching the thread?..

Fedot
There's something I don't understand
In my mind?
Tea, I slurp cabbage soup without bast shoes,
I'm wondering what's what.
It turns out that it's on me
All politics in the country:
I won’t get a partridge -
There will certainly be war.
So that the English ambassador
I wasn't angry from hunger.
I won't spare my head
I’ll provide the pickle!..

Prankster
The king's word is harder than crackers.
If he sends you to the bear, you will go to the bear,
and where to go - you have to, Fedya!
Or game and fish - or sword and rack.
Fedot walked around a hundred forests, a hundred swamps,
but it’s all in vain - neither partridge nor wood grouse!
Tired, no urine, but it’s late in the night.
Even with an empty bag, it’s time to go home.
Suddenly he sees a bird, a forest dove,
sits, doesn't hide, isn't afraid of a gun...

Fedot
This is misfortune, this is trouble,
There is no trace of game.
I'll shoot a pigeon
At least some food!

Blueberry
You, Fedot, don’t touch me,
There's not a penny's benefit in this -
And you can't fill the pan,
And you can’t stuff the pillow.

Fedot
Is the devil now zealous?
Is the air drunk now?
Maybe something happened in my ear?
What flaw do I have?

Blueberry
Don’t commit robbery, Fedot,
And take me with you.
How will you bring me into the light -
I will become your destiny.

Fedot
What kind of parable is this - I don’t understand?..
Okay, get into my bag!..
We'll figure it out on the spot,
Who's going where and what's what!

Prankster
Fedot brought the little turtledove to his place, which means he went to the little mountain.
He sits sadly, hanging his head.
And there are serious reasons for the sadness.
Our Fedot's hunt did not go well.
But the Tsar doesn’t like to joke - he’ll chop your head off right away.
Fedot sits, sad, and says goodbye to the white light.
I remembered about the bird, the forest pigeon.
Lo and behold, in the middle of the fire, instead of that little turtle dove,
standing there is a beautiful maiden, slender as a tree!..

Marusya
Hello, Fedya!..You and me -
We are now one family.
I am your wife, Marusya,
I am your wife.

Fedot
To you, my soul,
A century would look without breathing,
Just to become your husband
There's no chance for me!..
I was there - just before dawn -
At a reception with the king,
Well, the Tsar gave me a task
I mean, it means wood grouse.
Even though it’s not the season for game -
There is no reason to argue with the authorities:
Okay, I think I'll get it
Tea, capercaillie, not bison.
I walked all day
And good luck - at least a shadow:
Not a single serious bird
Everything is complete rubbish!..
And now, my dear friend,
No time for dancing on the meadow -
Tomorrow the Tsar is for this cause
He'll chop my head off.

Marusya
Don't freak out and don't whine!
There will be a table and there will be game!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!
(Marusya claps her hands -

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done
Don't hesitate,
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Prankster
And the Tsar and the ambassador are already sitting at
table Nearby - look -
ka! - princess and nanny. And that's it
They are waiting for the promised food from Fedya.
What's a conversation without a satisfying meal?
Yes? And the table is empty: carrots
yes cabbage, dill and parsley -
ka - that's the whole party. Guest
bored, shaking his boots, hole-
studies the ki on the tablecloth. All of a sudden,
like from heaven - a loaf of bread, hic-
badeyka fish, turkey stew,
sterlet ear, veal offal
ha, - and this kind of food is called -
up to a thousand! With such food
How can there not be a conversation!..

Tsar
Causes antiresis
Your technical progress:
How do you sow rutabaga there?
With or without peel?..

Ambassador
Yes!

Tsar
Causes antiresis
Your nutritional process:
How do you drink kakava there?
With or without saccharin?..

Ambassador
Yes!

Tsar
Causes antiresis
And this is the cut:
How do your women walk there?
In trousers or without?..

Ambassador
Yes!

Nurse
Would you even be ashamed of the ambassador?..
Has his head completely weakened?..
No matter what they say -
Anything will lead to women!..

Tsar
Are you playing your tune again?
I'll go to jail, keep that in mind!
I'm not just babbling,
I'm conducting politics!
The Avon girl has grown up,
And then, like half an oar!
So I’m thinking about how to give it away
Our steal for the ambassador!
Just need some benefit
Attract him without making him angry -
Make subtle hints
Unsurprisingly and from afar.

Nurse
Yes for this ambassador
Even I wouldn't go, -
So he glares, the bastard,
To clean off the table!
He’s all “yes” and “yes” to you,
Meanwhile, he eats and eats everything.
Turn away - he's half the kingdom
Swallow it in one sitting!

Tsar
Ali sew your mouth shut,
I'll kick Ali out!
You've already given me away
All overseas attaches!
Once upon a time there was a Gespan grandee,
What a dandy, what a dandy!
There's a diamond in each ear -
Why isn't that an option for you?
You set it up so that the guest
I accidentally sat on a nail,
And I left the guest -
Political anger!..

Nurse
Why, I remember!.. This grand
Was to devour great talent:
He got his head into the plate,
The bow was already stained with grease!
Whatever you ask the grandee -
He's like an ass, "si" and "si",
Well, everything comes together
On to the herring!

Tsar
I'm behind your line
I'll rot you to the core!
I'm not joking with you
I'm serious!
From Germany Baron
He was good from all sides
I couldn’t resist even here -
Damaged him.
Who's at the bottom of the bucket?
Threw a dead mouse?
You're a real pest,
Damned soul!..

Nurse
Yes, this is your baron
He was pretty good at cracking,
Throw him into the flock of crows -
He will take it from the crows too.
Proud in appearance - “I-a” and “I-a”,
And gluttonous like a pig,
Give straw - he will eat straw,
Tea, someone else's - not your own!..

Tsar
Well, spy, give me time -
I'll throw you in prison!
Well, I'm not an angry guy,
But he is strict with pests.
So answer me - don’t waste words! -
Where can a princess get a husband?
Tea, you fool, you see -
She has no army of suitors!
If only a regiment were crowded here -
There would be some point in bickering,
Well, no - grab anyone,
Even if he were a Bryansk wolf!..

Princess
If you are in power in the race,
So, rule the race to your heart’s content,
Don't meddle in my destiny,
And don’t interfere with my love!
In the house of the entih attache
A hundred pieces per floor,
I need their cologne
I can’t breathe anymore!..

Tsar
If love is truly evil,
You'll love the ambassador too.
And at the same time you will correct me
And trade matters.
I'm under this antires
I will melt hemp and wood for them.
All honesty agrees,
Only you are going against it!..

Princess
No matter how much you arch your eyebrow -
I repeat again and again:
The individual has the right
For free love!
Maybe it's finally done
And it would come to the rings, -
If only he suddenly wooed me
Your Fedotushko the Sagittarius!..

Tsar
Tsk, you fool!.. Shut up!..
Test place by the oven!
Well, go to your room
And learn solfege!
And the damned archer,
Insolent and scoundrel,
I'm using whips and batogs
I’ll run away from the palace right away!..

Prankster
The king had a general, he informed
Nya collected. He will hide his face in his bo-
family - and wander around the city. You-
sniffing, dog, thinking
otherwise. Overhears the conversation -
chicks - what if in the country of foreigners -
thieves? Where will he hear the FAQ -
He'll write it down in a book. And at seven
straight to the king for a report.

Tsar.
Why aren't you happy, General?
Ali fell ill with measles,
Ali got drunk on his mash,
Did Ali lose at cards?
Ali service is not nice,
Ali's army is small,
Ali found in the cannon
Damage to the barrel?
Report without any lies,
Why is there darkness in the heart -
I would like to know in detail
Who, where, FAQ and how!...

General
I was with the archer a while ago,
Fedot is a daredevil,
How I saw his wife -
So he jumped off the porch.
The third day - hey, I’m not lying! -
I don’t take the saber in my hands,
And such dreaminess
Look, I'll die!
And the other day there was a sin -
I almost made up a poem.
The doctors got scared
They say love shock!..

Tsar
The archer passed me!..
But he knew that I was a widower!..
Well, I'll steal the ent in a moment
Deliver me to the palace!
And the insidious archer
Wipe it off your face this very moment,
So that he doesn't wipe himself off
Near our porch!..

General
Snatching her is not difficult,
Yes, the people are painfully cool:
How do they find out whose idea it is?
They'll grind you into powder!
People have become daring these days.
Don't put your finger in their mouth -
We do not favor Fedot,
But the people are the opposite!

Tsar
You are such a fool
On Saturdays or what?
I owe something to the minister
Explain any trifle?
To say something bad about the king
People didn't talk in vain,
Act strictly according to the law
Then act... quietly.
Well, I’m already right there,
I will reward you for your work:
The blacksmiths were given a task -
The order will be forged tomorrow!..

Prankster
Whole day General mind in ku-
I collected varnish. Everyone was thinking about it
those faces how to get rid of
Sagittarius Yes, thoughts are in my head
strained sour. Remembered on
leisure time about an old friend, Baba
Yaga Bone Leg: "I'll go to
her, she’s smarter!.. And that middle
oak groves collects herbs, cooks
all kinds of poisons. How I saw it
General - all herbariums grow
barked. I missed you in the wilderness without
soul mate!..

Yaga
You chavoy are not yourself,
Unrudy, lifeless!..
Ali is a Swede near St. Petersburg,
Is he a Turk near Moscow?..
Eat aspen bark -
And you will cheer up for the time being:
Tea, not some kind of chemistry,
Tea, natural gifts!
In her juice, General,
There is a useful mineral -
From him from the Generals
Not one died!..

General
That's enough, grandma!.. I'm not sick!..
Let's go over the hill!..
Scare away the hedgehogs and squirrels
There is a serious conversation.
Here we have one archer -
Extremely literate, bastard!..
So I got a task
Completely destroy him!
But how? Cut off the head -
Then the rumor will begin to sound!..
Can you give me some advice?
What is the smartest way to ruin him?..

Yaga
Woman do magic, grandfather do magic,
Three on the side - yours are not there,

Give me the answer about Sagittarius!
Since he is so zealous and quick,
What enters into an argument with the king, -
Let him get it by tomorrow
Gold embroidered carpet.
So that it is visible on it,
Like on a map, the whole country.
Well, if he doesn’t get it, -
That's a wine getter!..

General
Hey grandma! Oh yes special!
That's the end of the trouble!
At least take you out of the mortar -
Yes, the minister to the palace!
None of the Germans are at odds,
How far is it from trouble?
And with you I'm ready
Whether for reconnaissance or wherever!
I pay for good with good:
You want - a marten, you like - a beaver,
If you don't want it, I can use a coin
Gold or silver!..

Yaga
Enough, dove, don’t sin,
Take away your pennies, -
I'm not in it for the money,
I do this for the soul.
There will be new trouble -
Hurry straight here.
Tea, and we are not animals in the forest.
Tea, we will always help!..

Fun guy.

Well done, Isho didn’t give the task, but
already angry in advance. Hands su-
reads, knocks with his feet, with the eyes of a doctor
It’s forgiving, and in general it’s frightening. Already like this
he wants to inform Fedot that
It’s important that there’s an ache right in the bones!..

Tsar.
Get a carpet by morning -
Gold embroidered pattern!..
State business -
Hurt yourself, but be kind!
So that it is visible on it,
Like on the map, the whole country,
Because I'm from the balcony
No fucking review!
You won’t find the FAQ I want -
I'll shorten it to the head,
I'll hand you over at dawn
Straight into the clutches of the executioner!

Fun guy.
Fedot came home from grief
dumb. He sat down in the corner and looked at
ceiling, clear eyes with tears
loc. Manya is calling, and he is calling his neck
bullies, doesn’t want anything, sulks
yes he whines...

Marusya.
Are you often angry like a hedgehog?
You often don’t eat or drink?
Ali's porridge is burnt,
Is the jelly not good?

Fedot.
What kind of food is there!
The king is angry - it’s a real disaster!
No to this villain
No council, no court!
Get it, the carpet screams -
Gold embroidered pattern -
The width of the entire Russia
A hundred forests and a hundred lakes!..

Marusya.
Don't freak out and don't whine!
Let the old bastard be angry!
Come on, stand in front of me,
Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!..
(Marusya claps her hands -
two stalwarts appear)
If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done.
Don't hesitate,
Tea, it's not the first time!

Fun guy.
The next morning Fedot is with the Tsars
gate Came to the reception, and
ver when receiving Stands smiling
The guards are not afraid. Tsar ud-
I curled up and choked on caviar. Evil-
ba sharpens it, but show it to the ho-
even Makes a look that seems to
glad!..

Fedot.
Yesterday you asked for a carpet, -
Well, I pinned him down.
Everything is according to the agreement -
The drawing and color scheme.
All Raseyushka in full
Reflected on the carpet.
This carpet is a gift for you
My wife wove it!..

Tsar.
Oh wow! Oh yeah, grab it!
How many people are you married to?
Ali you got married right away
Whole weaving mill?
You, Fedot, have a wife,
Even though she’s smart, she’s still alone!
And to weave this overnight -
Their division is needed!..

Fedot
Isn't the carpet pleasing to the eye?
Is the pattern in the carpet wrong?
Well, I'll put it under his arm-
And the conversation is over.

Tsar
I would like to beat you with whips,
Four or five
So that you don't get rid of yourself
Over serious people!
But since I'm calm
What is order and law, -
Here's a fiver for vodka
And he got out of here!..

Prankster
Testament of the Tsar General, pin
into his visor! The heron has a face on
looks like a beet, and when it’s red-
ny - he is dangerous!

Tsar
Well, bro, what's the result?
Are you a little confused?
Only this one will pull a little
About five years!
You are broad in our shoulders,
And my head completely withered away.
Here's your mind and you'll fix it
At state-owned grub!..

General
Throw me in prison
For any period of time -
All this is science
It won't do any good for me, the fool!
I would like a saber and a horse -
Yes to the line of fire!
And palace intrigues -
It's not all about me!

Tsar
You tell me, your honor,
Stop the heat and flog it!
You figure out how to do it without a saber
We must defeat Fedot!
Well, you'll be a fool -
Do not look for guilt in anyone:
I'll clean your snout
Personally with this fist!..

Prankster
In vain the General rubbed his hands:
The raid failed to kill Fedot.
Again the poor guy's head is tense.
And in my head - listen! - well, at least there’s a thought!
I thought and thought, but I couldn’t think of anything.
No matter how you look at it, you can’t do without Yaga!
I went back into the oak grove to look for justice against Fedot!..

Yaga
Are you gloomy again?
What is the reason, who is to blame?
Al the Spaniard is running around,
Did the guard go to war?..
Here's jelly from mold!
Have you tried tea yet?
Just drink it and you’ll immediately forget
About the worldly carousel!
It doesn't taste that good
But it takes away the trembling,
You will be healthy by tomorrow,
Unless you die!..

General
I'm talking about Sagittarius again!
There is no end to my troubles!
That's why I'm sick
That's why I fell off my face.
What a scoundrel, cunning -
He wiped everyone's noses!
No matter how much you conjure here,
And he got that carpet!
Even though he looks like a simpleton,
And the head is a master at cooking,
So from now on, work your magic more seriously,
With feeling, so please!

Yaga
Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about the stpelt!
So!.. Hey!.. Uh-huh!.. Aha!..
This is what Yaga found out:
Let him send you a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..
Search the whole wide world -
There are no such things in nature!
This is me for you, my dear,
I speak as a local historian!..

Prankster
The King is calling the Sagittarius, the daring
Well done. Our Fedot didn’t have time
wipe the sweat from his face, and the king -
villain new idea. The king is seething
from the idea, and Fedka is sweating!
In general, Fedka’s life is worse
bitter radish!..

Tsar
Come on, throw off the blues and laziness
And - on the road this very day!
State business -
We desperately need a deer!
If you are the king's servant -

Go beyond the mountains, beyond the meadows
And find me a deer there,
So that the horns are made of gold.
Don't talk and don't argue,
And go and provide
Otherwise you’ll find out the moment
How your head falls off your shoulders!..
.
Fedot came home, his snot was a fringe!
He sat down in front of the torch, hugging the torch.
The beautiful wife throws herself on the neck, and
He doesn't touch his wife!
He sits and cries, which means he’s grieving!..

Marusya
Why are you looking like an owl?
What are you fussing about?
There's not enough salt in the hodgepodge,
Is the steak under-seasoned?

Fedot
What a lunch!
The king tortured me - I won’t save you!
I'll have to again in the morning
To answer to him!
Entoth is the King of the fiercest enemy -
Sends me on the run again:
Find, shouts, a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..

Marusya
Don't twist and don't whine!..
There are sorrows and more!..
Come on, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!
(Marusya claps her hands -
two stalwarts appear)
If you understand the order -
Do it right now!

Well done
Don't hesitate -
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Prankster
Just after light Fedot is at the Tsar's Gate.
I came to the reception, and the deer was there.
The king's left side was stabbed out of anger.
I would crush the nit, but I don’t show it.
He sits, yawns, and hides his anger!..

Fedot
Have you been waiting for tea? Good afternoon
Look out the window when you're not lazy!
You ordered a deer -
Well, here's a deer for you!
And - mind you! - horns on it
So they breathe fire.
From him without any lamp
At night it is as bright as day!..

Tsar
Those deer - don't lie! -
None in Tula or Tver.
What's in Tver - in Baghdad itself
There are at most three of them!
Now think about it, soldier, -
Where is Moscow and where is Baghdad!
Ali, you got away overnight
To Baghdad and back?..

Fedot
Well, come on, you are a vigorous louse!
And the deer is not good for you?
And yesterday I tore my soul:
Take out the deer and put it down!..
If you are already rich, -
I will return him to Baghdad.
Who's in power there? -
The guy will be happy!..

Tsar
Fedka, give it to me,
Or you will be separated from your head!
I see your hints
Exclusively through and through!
Oh well, for the prestige
Can't you forgive the devil!
Here's a nickel for vodka
And go wherever you want!..

Prankster
The Tsar calls the General -
especially straight from under the blanket.
The general is in a panic, looking for underpants,
understands - they’re not calling for gingerbread!
The king sits on the throne -
angry at the whole world.
Black with anger
like a raven in a churchyard!..

Tsar
No matter how hard you fight, my dear,
Fedot didn’t get caught in the snare!
Already written about you
Fictional obituary,
You just need to decide
How can you decide better:
Stun with a candelabra
Al to suffocate with a pillow?

General
I made a mistake, sir!
Here's that saber, hit it if you want!
Only more so Fedot
My brains are not turpentine!
What a fool - don’t blame me!
I have a different essence!
I would like to attack somewhere.
Al go for an assault somewhere!..

Tsar
You are with a fighting sword,
Just remember this FAQ:
Fedot must be defeated
Not with a sword, but with your head!
Well, you will be just as fast,
How have you been until now, -
I love you, cow face,
I’ll put it under the ax myself!..

Prankster
Our fool strained his mind again.
And there was that mind - small bins.
I thought, I thought, I thought, I couldn’t think of anything.
He whistled for a horde of dogs - and to Yaga in the oak grove.
When she saw the General, she jumped all the way to the Urals.
Yes, she came to her senses and returned:
no matter how worse things turn out!..

Yaga
You chavoy are out of your mind!
There's a pimple on my lip!
Oh, you'll waste your health
In the political struggle!..
Try hare droppings!
He is vigorous! He'll get it!
And where honey is more healing,
Although it doesn't taste like honey.
Although it tastes cool,
And sometimes they die from it,
But which ones survive -
They live to old age!..

General
Grandma, don't mess with me!
Find ways!
Think of it like Fedot
Bring it to the grave!
No matter how hard you fight, Yaga,
But nothing happened!
Fedot got hold of a deer -
Precious horns!
Blow your head off
Yes, work your magic more carefully.
Our Sagittarius, as it turned out,
Don't be so crazy!..

Yaga
Actually I'm cunning
In the sense of the meanness of the gut,
But why don’t you tell me today
No magic in the morning!..
Everything stings and hurts,
And my chest is burning with fire!..
I have long suspected
I have encephalitis!..
Oh, chavoy, I feel bad!
Do you hear the crunch in your back?
In a word, since this is the case -
I'm actually on the bulletin!

General
If you get sick - no problem!
Eat the frog from the pond!
There is no more reliable medicine
Than the natural environment!
You're fooling me
We couldn't even think!
It's better to connect everything
Get to work!

Yaga
Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather.
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!
Let Fedot show agility,
May he be able to get you
That - FAQ - In this world -
In general - It can’t be!
Well, Fedot, now hold on!
The point is right, it seems!
This is exactly the task
You won't do it for the life of you!..

Prankster
The King of the Sagittarius is calling, daring fellow.
Again an order of national importance.
When will this torment end?
Meanwhile, the fairy tale is far from ending!..

Tsar
Find out how to get me some
That-FAQ-Cannot be!
Write down your name
So as not to forget in a hurry!
If you don’t complete it by morning -
I'll grind you into powder,
Because your karachter
I haven't felt like it for a long time!
So there’s no point in pouting your lips,
Let's get on the road soon!
State business -
Are you getting the point?

Prankster
Fedot came home - worse than death itself!
White as chalk, his face went numb.
I sat down by the window - there was a veil in my eyes.
Manya rushed, but he paid zero attention!..
You will be sad, since death is behind you!..
Marusya
Well, pour out your soul to me,
Are you so damn angry?
Al in Milanese salad
Not enough truffles?..

Fedot
I'm yours, Marus, menu
I really appreciate it
Only my life, Marusya,
Ruined in the bud!
What should I do? What do i do?..
How can I get rid of my trouble?
The Tsar ordered me to deliver
That-FAQ-It can’t be!..

Marusya
Don't be sad and don't whine!
All you have to do is shout!
Come on, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!
(Marusya claps her hands -
two stalwarts appear)
If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done
We apologize, mistress,
This is not about us!
If only a diagram or drawing -
We would start a spin.
Well, then - search as much as you want,
You'll find the bald devil!
Where to look and how to get it
That-FAQ-Can't Be?
After all, he’s not in the world,
No matter how much you dig the ground!..

Marusya
Don’t blame me, dear friend Fedot,
My income is small!
Know that it’s your destiny, my love,
Go hiking yourself!
Don't fornicate abroad
Keep yourself clean.
Don't interfere in conversations
And don’t make acquaintances!

Fedot
You, Marus, don’t be afraid!
It will form, Marus!
I will complete the royal task
And I’ll return safe!
Well, he’ll come up like this,
Who will disturb your peace -
I don't need to teach you:
Frying pan at hand!..

Prankster
Fedot left for an overseas campaign.
When the General found out about it, he lost his last mind.
Our cunning man runs to the king’s palace to report,
that Sagittarius is finished.
I already drilled a hole for the order, you fat mug!..

Tsar
Is the news good or bad?
Report everything to me as it is!
Better bitter, but true
What a pleasant thing, but flattery!
Only if enta knows
It will happen again - God knows,
You are for such truth
You can sit down for ten years!..

General
I report: it’s just dawn
Fedka raised the anchors!
Thank God we got rid of it
From him, from the ghoul!

Tsar
Come on, Nanny, come here,
Get to work -
Tear hair from crown
Those who are gray-haired.
And which ones are not gray-haired -
Comb them into rows.
Yes, take it easy with a comb,
I don’t have gardens there!..

Nurse
Well, scratch it, old devil,
If he bakes a bald spot?!
You have every hair here
We need to register!..
And why do you need it
At this age, wife?
After all, you, as a man,
I'm sorry, it's worthless!..

Tsar
Even though I have no hair,
And I have to get married!
The Shah of Persia is also bald,
And he has forty wives!
I just want one
Get yourself a wife!
Something I mean in an intimate sense
And I can’t handle one?..

Nurse
You, my friend, are one of those husbands,
What is more harmless than snakes -
They scratch, but don't bite,
Not to mention even worse!
To steal someone else's woman,
You must have ardor and passion!
And your task now is
Don't go to the cemetery!..

Tsar
(To the General)
Well, why are you silent?
Are you strumming medals?
Al, don’t you see how dirty they are?
State prestige?
The nanny bends me into an arc,
And the minister - no goo-goo!
You are on our defense
So, fight back the enemy!..

General
But these are women's courts
There are always bad things about men!
Don't doubt yourself,
You are a lover anywhere!
Proud profile, firm step,
From behind - it's a clear check!
Just move the crown to one side
So that it doesn’t hang on your ears!..

Tsar
(To the Nanny)
The minister is not my enemy,
I said everything as it is without lying,
But he's not a stupid man,
Don't look like he's a fool.
You are nothing but bedlam,
Shame on the king, embarrassment on the ambassadors!
I have been anti-resisting for a long time,
Aren't you sent to us?..
Don't spy and don't harm,
If you dare, look:
We're having a conversation with you
There will be a big one ahead!..

Prankster

The Tsar is going to Mana to pay attention.
He sits in the carriage himself, stinking of decolon,
The king's retinue is powdered, curled,
Behind the retinue is a chest - kozinaki and hazelnuts.
Everything is honorable - the Tsar is going to his bride!..

Tsar
By order of the king
Fedka has left for the seas!
In general, I left him
Melted, to put it simply!
So as not to be poor alone -
Become my wife!
What about the FAQ?..I'm a distinguished man
And groovy affection!..

Marusya
Isho Fedot didn’t have time
Take a step from the gate,
And the crows have already flown
To Fedotov's garden!..

Tsar
Don't be a fool to me, girl!
They offer it - take it!
Tea, not for you every evening
Widow kings walk!..
This very hour, I say,
Get ready for the altar!
Crazy with delight
Take a sniff of ammonia!

Marusya
Even if you beat me with a whip,
Even cut me with a sword, -
All the same as your wife
I won't give a damn!

Tsar
You, Marus, don’t make me angry
And the conflict with me did not last long!
I'm leaving for Paris the other day
The guillotine has arrived!
In light of what I said -
Better be my wife!
I have nerves too,
I'm not made of steel either!

Marusya
Go away, hateful one, away,
And I don’t mind being a husband!
If you don't leave, then I can
Help with a frying pan!

Tsar
Well, those at the door -
Get her into shackles quickly!
What kind of fashion is this?
Frying pans into kings!
You'll get hurt in prison -
And you will get better in your mind!
No matter how much you, girl, don’t hesitate,
Let's get married by winter!..

Marusya
Catch me, you idiot
It takes a lot of work!
Goodbye, my sieve friend,
Maybe we'll meet someday!..

(Marusya turns into a dove and flies away)

Prankster
Fedot swam for almost a year.
I ate halva, ate persimmons - but kept my own in mind!
Miracles in the world are like flies in the toilet,
but the necessary miracle is not yet in sight.
Fedot is worried - time is ticking!
I decided without hysteria: I’ll go to America!
Fedot floats among the endless waters,
ahead is sunset, behind is sunrise.
Suddenly, in the middle of the hike, the weather turned bad.
There was no misfortune - and on you, hello,
the ship is a bastard! - and fell into pieces!..
The thunderstorm subsided - Fedot opened his eyes:
lies on the wave, completely unharmed.
He sees the island sticking out like a float.
I got to the shore, I thought - America.
He took out the map and checked - but no, not America!
Buyan Island, damn it, -
Maybe there is some flaw in the card?
Fedot sits, hiccups, takes in the situation...

Fedot
How much at the whim of the king
I have never sailed overseas,
I've never seen a lousier place
Frankly speaking!
Well, the island is just melancholy! -
All made of stone and sand,
And as long as the eye can see -
No river, no forest!..
It wouldn't be a problem,
If only there was food here, -
If there were quinoa here,
If only quinoa would do!..

Voice
Who is hungry for food -
Let him come here:
I have plenty of food
I have her pounds!
For example, get
Rolls straight from the oven,
Here's a turkey roast
Here's a cherry plum compote!
Here are the sausages, here are the cheeses,
Here's half a centner of caviar,
Here are the Caribbean lobsters,
Here are the Don sturgeons!..

(Tables with food appear)

Fedot
What kind of miracles are these?
What kind of voices are these?
There's nowhere to hide here -
Okiyan and heaven!
Do me the honor, master,
Show yourself what you are!
Somehow indecent for a guest
Drink and eat alone!
Tea, on your island
It's more fun to be bored together -
Where will we scatter the cards?
Let's pour a glass somewhere!..

Voice
I would be glad, but my portrait -
It’s a secret for me too!
Sometimes I wonder myself
Either I exist or I don’t!..
I have countless worries:
There is food, but nothing to eat,
There is tobacco, but nothing to sniff,
There is sakmya, but nothing to sit on!
So tired for a thousand years,
What is not the joy of white light!
I thought I would hang myself
Again, no neck!

Fedot
Oh yes, a meeting!.. So,
I managed to get you, -
To-FAQ-In this world
In general - It can’t be!
What, melancholy and moping,
Life is wasted in vain,
Maybe you can swim with me
Before the Rasei king?..
Take a walk, freshen up,
Make friends with white light!
What is life without adventures?
Just horror, not life!..

Voice
I'm a helpful prospect
Never against!
I'm ready for the bees to enter the hive,
If only it were in colftiv!
Give the order - and no matter where,
At least for ore mining!
I'll work hard for nothing
No drinking and no food!
I'm good for any business,
I can enter any door
I'll get you whatever you want
Even a savvy louse!..

Fedot
Louse, of course it is, so?
Louse, it’s not bad either!
But on this bug
You won't get far!
Get me better fleet -
Either a boat or a raft,
Since you're so skilled
A polyglot in this matter!
By morning, around five o'clock,
We must be on our way,
Because we are in Russia
We're already tired of waiting, guess!..

Prankster
A year has passed, another is coming - Fedot returned home.
But there is no house, only a skeleton sticks out,
beams and rafters, and nettles all around.
And under the eaves there’s a little blue lump
a bird curled up, a forest dove...

Fedot
Come on, wifey, come on
Set the table for your husband!
Take it out of the oven for me
Brown the loaf!
Pour some hearty cabbage soup
Fatter and thicker,
I have become thinner
From overseas vegetables!
There's no one in the whole house,
Except for the wind!
Suspicious matter
Did a FAQ happen?..

(Blueberry turns into Marusya)

Marusya
Welcome back, Fedot!
Your journey lasted a long time!
Al forgot his Marusya,
Why haven't you traveled for a whole year?
Abroad, I guess
Entertainment is a dime a dozen!
Looked at my girlfriend, I guess
Yes, he warmed up on his chest!..

Fedot
I saw the white light
Josephine and Henriette
But beauties like you
Marusya is not among them!
And I went overseas
Although it takes a long time, it’s not in vain -
Still completed the task
The cunning king!..

Marusya
If only you knew, Fedot,
Who do you spend your sweat on?
I wouldn't even take a step
From the gates of our birth!
You left - he, shameful,
He began to look after me
Persuaded, okhalnik,
Become a woman's wife!

Fedot
Really?.. Oh, villain!..
So now believe in people,
So stand for the honor of your uniform,
Here's to the service and for the sake of it!..
Oh well, I'll tell him
I'll explain what's what!
I'll take it to the very toes
I’ll sign it under Khokhloma!..
Stop making fools
From the race men!
I have nothing to lose now,
Except your own shackles!

Prankster
Fedot got angry and called an honest people.
The neighbors decided to help Feda.
Frol took the stake, Ustin took the drin, Ignat took the grip.
And everyone behind Fedot - to the Tsar's Gate.
The General will meet them, damn him!
He jumped up sideways, his pupils sparkled,
took a closer look - and reported to the Tsar!

General
There gathered at the gate
Entot... what's his name... people!
In general, the matter is accepted
Social turnover!
And it’s all Fedot’s fault,
That's why he's stirring up people,
Incites the population
Start a revolution!..

Tsar
Well, why do we have you?
With a sword like this?
That's why we're holding you,
May the kings' peace be preserved!
After the rain on Thursday
I'll give you an extra medal,
Just try your best
So that the people do not overthrow me!..

General
Look, a medal!.. Great honor!..
I have countless awards:
All hung up like a Christmas tree,
There are six of them on the back!..
Protect you from harm
Now I have no reason!
You are for your own meanness
You must answer for yourself!..

Prankster
He was such a fool, but how he spoke!
Even though the Tsar is angry, try to hit him!
This is not the time to hit the nail on the head.
The Tsar came out onto the porch, made a stern face,
and in the square there are people - the whole of Russia is there!

Tsar
What about your mother?
I'm sorry, do you understand?
We are not some kind of storage,
To stir up trouble!
Who wants to go to Kolyma -
Come out one at a time!
There you will have a moment
Enlightenment in the mind!

As for the mind,
He is very fair:
Thank God we distinguish
Forget-me-not from crap!
Why don't you hurry me up
Sent over a hundred seas?
Isn't it just to get married?
On my wife?..

Tsar
Ento where are you, villain,
I got ideas like this
To rivet any FAQ
For decent people!
Does this suit me?
Molest your wife?..
Here they come, you fools,
On foreign tours!..

Fedot
Don't be too angry, -
We're here for tea, not for tea!
Well, and you will race, -
I'll accidentally drive into the snout!
About you, about the scoundrel,
Glory all the way to Cherepovets!
You are in the soul of all the people
Spit in my face!..

Tsar
You shouldn't, Fedya!.. For me
My people are my relatives.
I have no thoughts about the people
I can't live even a day!..
In the morning I spread the sandwich -
Immediately I thought: what about the people?
And caviar doesn’t go down my throat,
And the compote doesn’t pour into your mouth!
And the culprit is the General,
Schemer and immoral!
This is him, the face of a cow,
You've sullied the princess's honor!
Let him come out!.. Where is he?..
I'll ask him now!..
I'll rip off his medal
Yes, a medal in the face!..

General
Whatever, brothers... I'm for you
Lost an eye in the attack!..
Whenever I dare
Against the masses!..
I'll justify it. I'll serve.
I'll suffer. I'll do my time.
To the oppressive elite
I don't belong anymore!..
And the culprit is Yaga!
There is no more dangerous enemy!
In front of her is Gorynych himself -
So, not a snake, but a small fry!
Well, where are you, fidget?
Look people in the eyes!
Personally, I can't resist -
I'll hit you twice with my saber!..

Yaga
I am a folklore element,
I have a document.
I can totally sit back
Fly away at any moment!
For the heat, for the snowstorm
Everyone scolds me, the hag,
And there is no more harm in me,
Than in a chamomile in a meadow!
Well, by chance, well, jokingly,
I've lost my way!
After all, I am a child of nature,
It may be bad, but it’s a child!
If we judge - just those two,
My accomplices.
I look like evil spirits
And in fact, cleaner than them!..

Fedot
Well, you are cunning people,
It really takes me by surprise!
Everyone thinks everyone else is a freak,
Despite the fact that he himself is a freak.
At least the racial people
They don’t give in to reprisals,
But I have to, guys,
Bring a trial to you.
We'll put you in a tub,
Let's throw it into the sea and hello!
You'll make do with a tub,
I won't give you the boat!
And the monstrosity will carry you
Straight to the island on Buyan!
Well, so as not to go wild,
Here's my personal button accordion,
True, he is my fault! -
Not a damn thing plays,
But no matter what,
And you need culture!
And now, honest people,
Get the faces out of your beards!
Tea, we are not having a memorial service,
Quite the opposite!
Now we can’t shed tears, -
Sing songs and drink mead!..
Come on, stand in front of me,
That-FAQ-It can’t be!..
Your meeting!..
Fedot
Treat the honest people
From overseas bounties!
Tea, they are such food
Never been put in your mouth since birth!
Offer them in reality
Samarkand halva,
And Turkish pistachio,
And Persian quince!
Put everything on the tablecloth -
Chocolate and marmalade,
And Dutch brisket
And the Chukhon servilat!
Don't forget the Swiss cheese!
The one that's all holes!
Throw us a glorious feast,
The likes of which the world has never seen!
Well, what if someone asks
About a hundred grams of mash -
So be it!..Today you can!..
Thank God, there is something!..

Prankster
I was at that feast and ate grainy caviar.
Prov ate pilaf. Filat was eating salad. Ustin ate galantine.
And Fedot the Sagittarius ate a pickled cucumber.
And when he ate the cucumber, that’s the end of the fairy tale!
And if a fairy tale is bad, it’s the storyteller’s fault.
I wish I could catch the fool and give him a blow,
But there’s no way - after all, the narrator is a fool!
And since time immemorial we have not had a court for fools!..

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Leonid Filatov
About Fedot the Sagittarius, a daring fellow

Dedicated to my wife Nina

A fairy tale for the theater based on Russian folklore

Characters:

Buffoon-fun

TIT KUZMICH, FROL FOMICH - two stalwarts

Ambassadors, guards, retinue, people

Buffoon-fun

Believe it or not, but Fedot the Sagittarius lived in this world, a daring fellow. Fedot was neither handsome nor ugly, neither ruddy, nor pale, neither rich nor poor, neither scabbed nor brocade, but just like that. Fedot's service is fishing and hunting: to the king - game and fish, to Fedot - thanks. The guests in the palace are like seeds in a cucumber: this one is from Sweden, this one is from Greece, this one is from Hawaii - and give everyone something to eat! Entom - lobsters, entom - squid, entom - sardines, but there is only one earner! One day they give him an order: to appear at court at just light in the morning. The king looks like a morel, has a head as big as a fist, and there is an enormous amount of malice in him. He looks at Fedka like an ulcerer looks at a radish. Fedka's shirt was wet from fear, there was a pounding in his temples, a growling in his belly... here, as they say, the fairy tale begins...

TSAR

Come to us for morning pickle
The English ambassador arrived,
And in our house there are snacks -
Half a slice and a corn.
Get ready, brother, let's go
Bring us some food -
Capercaillie or partridge,
Al isho someone.

If you can't, who's to blame? -
I must execute you.
State business -
Are you catching the thread?..

FEDOT

There’s something I don’t understand -
In my mind -
I don’t slurp tea with bast shoes,
I'm figuring out what's what.

It turns out - on me
All politics in the country:
I won’t get a partridge -
There will certainly be war.

So that the English ambassador
I wasn't angry from hunger -
I won’t spare my head -
I’ll provide the pickle!..

Buffoon-fun

The Tsar’s word is firmer than a cracker: if you send him to the bear, you will go to the bear, but what to do is necessary, Fedya! Or game and fish - or sword and rack. Fedot walked through a hundred forests, a hundred swamps, but all in vain: not a partridge, not a wood grouse! I’m tired, I have no urine, and it’s almost nightfall – even with an empty bag – and it’s time to go home. Suddenly he sees a bird, a forest pigeon, sitting - not hiding, not afraid of a gun...

FEDOT

This is misfortune, this is trouble:
There is no trace of game.
I'll shoot a pigeon -
Any kind of food!

But actually speaking,
Pigeons are scolded in vain:
Pigeon - if in gravy -
No worse than a wood grouse...

BLUEBERRY

You, Fedot, don’t touch me -
The benefits of this are not worth a penny:
And you can't fill the pan,
And you can't stuff the pillow.

Tea, overseas gentleman
Loves fresh galantine -
What kind of meat is there in me?
So, not meat - just laughter...

FEDOT

Is the devil now zealous?
Is the air drunk now?
Maybe something happened in my ear?
What a flaw do I have?

Either from the royal windows
Such a law was announced -
For the birds to talk
In human language?..

BLUEBERRY

Don’t commit robbery, Fedot, -
And take me with you.
How will you bring me into the light -
I will become your destiny.

I will sew, wash, cook,
Don’t reproach for insults,
And play Taba on the violin,
And kill the bugs...

FEDOT

I don’t understand what kind of parable this is...
Okay, get into my bag.
There, on the spot, we'll figure it out,
Who's going where and what's what...

Buffoon-fun

Fedot brought the turtledove to his place, which means he was sitting in the little room, sad, hanging his little head. And there are serious reasons for the sadness: our Fedot’s hunt didn’t go well, and the tsar doesn’t like to joke - he’ll chop off your head right away. Fedot sits sad and says goodbye to the white light. I remembered the bird, the forest dove, and lo and behold, in the middle of the fire, instead of that turtle dove, there stood a beautiful maiden, slender as a tree!..

MARUSYA

Hello, Fedya!.. You and me -
We are now one family.
I am your wife - Marusya,
I am your wife.

Why are you silent, dear friend Fedot,
Like pouring water into your mouth -
It’s not the same kokoshnik I’m wearing,
Is the outfit I’m wearing wrong?..

FEDOT

On the tab, my soul,
A century would look without breathing,
Just to become your husband
There's no chance for me!..

I was there just before dawn
At a reception with the king,
Well, the king gave me a task -
In the sense, it means - a capercaillie.

If you want game and it’s not the season -
There is no reason to argue with the authorities.
Okay, I think I’ll get it:
Tea, capercaillie, not bison.

I walked all day
And good luck - if only there was a shadow:
Not a single serious bird -
It's all complete rubbish...

And now, my dear friend,
No time for dancing on the meadow:
Tomorrow the king will take care of this matter
He'll chop my head off.

And I’m useless like that -
Neither at work nor at home -
Because my whole point is
Exclusively in the mind!..

MARUSYA

Don't be sad and don't whine:
There will be a table, and there will be game.
Well, stand in front of me,
Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!..

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate:
It’s not the first time it’s been tea!

Buffoon-fun

And the king and the ambassador are already sitting at the table. Nearby - look at that! - princess and nanny. And everyone is waiting for the promised food from Fedya. What's a conversation without a hearty lunch? And the table is empty: carrots and cabbage, dill and parsley - that’s the whole feast. The guest is bored - he shakes his boots, examines the holes in the tablecloth. The Tsar is angry - he doesn’t notice how he calls Fedka after his mother. Suddenly, as if from heaven: a loaf of bread, a badey caviar, stewed turkey, sterlet ear, veal offal - and such food - up to a thousand names! With such food - how can there not be a conversation!..

TSAR

Causes antiresis
Your technical progress:
How do you sow rutabaga there?
With or without peel?

AMBASSADOR

TSAR

Causes antiresis
Your nutritional process:
How do you drink kakava there?
With or without saccharin?

AMBASSADOR

TSAR

Causes antiresis
And this is the cut:
How do your women walk there?
In trousers or without?..

AMBASSADOR

NURSE

I would have been embarrassed to even send an ambassador!
Has his head completely weakened?
No matter what they say -
Anything will lead to women!

TSAR

Are you playing your tune again?
I'll go to jail, keep that in mind!
I'm not just babbling -
I'm conducting politics!

The Avon girl has grown up,
And then, like half an oar!
So I’m thinking about how to give it away
Our steal for the ambassador!

Just need some benefit
To lure him without being angry -
Make subtle hints
Unsurprisingly and from afar.

NURSE

Yes for this ambassador
Even I wouldn't go -
So he glares, the bastard,
What to clean off the table!

He says “yes” and “yes” to you,
Meanwhile, he eats and eats everything.
Turn away - he's half the race
Swallow it in one sitting!

TSAR

Ali sew your mouth shut,
I'll kick Ali out!
You've already given me away
All overseas attaches!

Once upon a time there was a Spanish grandee -
What a dandy, what a dandy!
There's a diamond in each ear -
Why isn't that an option for you?

You set it up so that the guest
I accidentally sat on a nail,
And I left the guest -
Political anger!..

NURSE

Why, I remember! Entot grand
Was to devour great talent:
He got his head into the plate,
The bow was already stained with grease.

Whatever you ask the grandee -
He's like a butt - "si" and "si"
Well, everything comes together
For herring Ivasi.

TSAR

I'm behind your line
I'll rot you in Solovki!
I'm not joking with you
I'm serious!

From Germany Baron
He was good from all sides
I couldn’t resist even that -
Damaged him.

Who's at the bottom of the bucket?
Threw a dead mouse?
You're a real pest,
Damned soul!..

NURSE

Yes, this is your baron
The crack was pretty good!
Throw him into the flock of crows -
He will take it from the crows too.

Proud in appearance - “I-a” and “I-a”,
And gluttonous like a pig,
Give straw - he will eat straw:
Tea, someone else’s, not our own!..

TSAR

Well, spy, give me time -
I'll throw you in prison!
Well, I'm not an angry guy,
But he is strict with pests.

So answer me - don’t waste words!
Where can a princess get a husband?
Tea, you fool, you see -
She has no army of suitors!

If only a regiment were crowded here -
There would be some point in bickering,
Well, no - grab anyone,
Even if he were a Bryansk wolf!..

TSAREVNA

If you are in power in the race,
So, rule the race to your heart’s content,
Don't meddle in my destiny
And don’t interfere with my love!

In the house of the entih attache
A hundred pieces per floor,
I need their cologne
I can’t breathe anymore!..

TSAR

If love is truly evil,
You'll love the ambassador too.
And at the same time you will correct me
And trade matters.

I'm under this antires
I will melt hemp and wood for them.
All honesty agrees,
You're going against the grain!..

TSAREVNA

No matter how much you raise your eyebrow -
I repeat again and again:
The individual has the right
For free love!

Maybe it's finally done
And it would come to the rings -
If only he suddenly wooed me
Your Fedotushko the Sagittarius!..

TSAR

Tsits, you fool! Shut up!
Test place by the oven!
Well, go to your room
And learn solfege!

And the damned archer,
Insolent and scoundrel,
I'm using whips and batogs
I’ll run away from the palace right away!..

Buffoon-fun

The king had a general who was collecting information. He will hide his face in his beard and wander around the city. Sniffs, a dog, thinking differently. He overhears conversations - what if there are conspirators in the country? Wherever he hears the FAQ, he’ll write it down in a book. And at seven o'clock exactly - to the Tsar for a report.

TSAR

Why are you sad, general?
Ali fell ill with measles,
Ali got drunk on his mash,
Did Ali lose at cards?

Ali's army is small,
Ali service is not nice,
Ali found in the cannon
Barrel damage?

Report without any lies,
Why is there darkness in the heart, -
I would like to know in detail
Who, where, FAQ and how!

GENERAL

I was with the archer a while ago,
At Fedot the daredevil.
How I saw his wife -
So he jumped off the porch.

Third day - I'm not lying to her! -
I don’t take the saber in my hands,
And such dreaminess
Look, I'll die!

And the other day there was a sin -
I almost made up a poem,
The doctors got scared
They say: love shock...

TSAR

The archer bypassed the mine!..
But he knew that I was a widower!
Well, I'll steal the ent in a moment
Deliver me to the palace!

And the insidious archer
Wipe it off your face this very moment.
So that he doesn't rub off
Near our porch!..

GENERAL

Snatching her is not difficult,
Yes, the people are painfully cool:
How do they find out whose idea it is, -
They'll grind you into powder!

Now the people have become daring -
Don't put your finger in their mouth -
We do not favor Fedot,
But the people are the opposite!

TSAR

You are such a fool
On Saturdays or what?
I owe something to the minister
Explain any trifle?

To say something bad about the king
People didn't talk in vain,
Act strictly according to the law
That is, act... quietly.

Well, I’m already here -
I will reward you for your work:
The blacksmiths were given a task -
The order will be forged by tomorrow.

Buffoon-fun

The general spent the whole day gathering his wits. I kept thinking in the sweat of my brow about how to get rid of Sagittarius. Yes, the thoughts in my head turned sour from tension. In my spare time I remembered about my old friend, Baba Yaga the Bone Leg. I’ll go to her - she’s smarter!.. And that middle of the oak grove collects herbs, cooks all sorts of poisons. When I saw the general, I lost all the herbariums. I miss you in the wilderness without a soul mate!..

BABA YAGA

You chavoy are not yourself,
Not rosy, not alive!..
Ali is a Swede near St. Petersburg,
Is he a Turk near Moscow?..

Eat aspen bark -
And you will cheer up for the time being:
Tea, not some kind of chemistry,
Tea, natural gifts!

In her juice, general,
There is a useful mineral -
From him from the generals
Not one died!..

GENERAL

That's enough, grandma! I'm not sick!..
Let's go over the hill!..
Make the hedgehogs and squirrels laugh,
There is a serious conversation.

Here we have one archer -
Extremely literate, bastard!..
So I got a task -
Completely destroy him!

Just how?..Cut off your head -
Then the rumor will begin to sound!..
Can you give me some advice?
What is the smartest way to ruin him?..

BABA YAGA

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!..

Since he is so zealous and quick,
What enters into an argument with the king, -
Let him get it by tomorrow
Gold embroidered carpet.

So that it is visible on it,
Like on a map, the whole country.
Well, if he doesn’t get it -
That's a wine getter!..

GENERAL

Hey grandma! Oh yes special!
That's the end of the trouble!
At least take you out of the mortar -
Yes, the minister to the palace!

None of the Germans are at odds,
Is it far from trouble?
And with you I'm ready
Whether for reconnaissance or wherever!

I pay for good with good:
You want - a marten, you want - a beaver,
If you don't want it, I can use a coin,
Gold or silver!..

BABA YAGA

Enough, dove, don’t sin,
Take away your pennies, -
I'm not in it for the money,
I do this for the soul.

There will be a new trouble -
Hurry straight here.
Tea, and we are not animals in the forest,
Tea, we will always help!..

Buffoon-fun

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Isho didn’t give the task, and he’s already angry in advance. He twists his hands, knocks his feet, rotates his eyes - in general, he intimidates. He really wants to hurt Fedot so much that it hurts right in his bones!..

TSAR

Get a carpet by morning -
Gold embroidered pattern!..
State business -
Hurt yourself, but be kind!

So that it is visible on it,
Like on the map, the whole country,
Because I'm from the balcony
No fucking review!

You won’t find it, I want it frequently, -
I'll shorten it to the head,
I'll hand you over at dawn
Straight into the clutches of the executioner!

Buffoon-fun

Fedot came home, dumb from grief. He sat down in the corner, looking at the ceiling, his clear eyes clouded with tears. Manya calls for food, but he shakes his neck, doesn’t want anything, sulks and whines...

MARUSYA

Are you often angry like a hedgehog?
Do you often neither eat nor drink?
Ali's porridge is burnt,
Is the jelly bad?

FEDOT

What kind of food is there!
The king is angry - it’s a real disaster!
No to this villain
No council, no court!

Get, screams, carpet,
Gold embroidered pattern
The width of the entire Race,
A hundred forests and a hundred lakes!..

MARUSYA

Don't freak out and don't whine!
Let the old bastard be angry!
Well, stand in front of me,
Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!..

Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear.

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate,
Tea, it's not the first time!

Buffoon-fun

The next morning Fedot is at the Tsar’s Gate. I came to the reception and received the carpet. Stands smiling, the guards are not afraid. The king was surprised - he even choked on caviar. Anger wears on him, but doesn’t want to show it. He looks like he's happy!..

FEDOT

Yesterday you asked for a carpet -
Well, I pinned him down.
Everything is according to the agreement -
Both the drawing and the color.

All Raseyushka in full
Reflected on the carpet.
This carpet is a gift for you
My wife wove it!..

TSAR

Oh wow! Oh yeah, grab it!
How many people are you married to?
Ali you got married right away
Whole weaving mill?

You, Fedot, have a wife
Even though she’s smart, she’s still alone!
And to weave something like this overnight -
Their division is needed!..

FEDOT

Isn't the carpet pleasing to the eye?
Is the pattern in the carpet wrong?
Well, I'll put it under his arm -
And the conversation is over!

So that your labors are not wasted,
I will sell it to merchants,
And let him leave Russia
Sails to Amsterdam!..

TSAR

I would like to beat you with whips,
Four or five
So that you don't get rid of yourself
Over serious people!

But since I'm calm
I honor order and law -
Here's a nickel for vodka
And he got out of here!..

Buffoon-fun

The king is calling the general, a pin in his visor! The king’s face looks like a beet, and when he’s red, he’s dangerous! It hits, the infection, no more than once, but it doesn’t miss the eye. The general tested this on himself: from the beginning of the fairy tale he has been walking around in a bandage!..

TSAR

Well, bro, what's the result?
Are you a little confused?
Only this one will pull a little
About five years!

You are broad in our shoulders,
And my head completely withered away.
Here's how you can fix your mind
At state-owned grub!..

GENERAL

Throw me in prison
For any period of time -
All this is science
It won't do any good for me, the fool!

I would like a saber! Yes horse -
Yes to the line of fire!
And palace intrigues -
It's not all about me!

TSAR

You tell me, your honor,
Stop the heat and flog it!
You can figure out how to do it without a saber
We must defeat Fedot!

Well, you'll be a fool -
Do not look for guilt in anyone:
I'll clean your snout -
Personally with this fist!..

Buffoon-fun

It was in vain that the general rubbed his hands: the raid failed to kill Fedot. Again the poor guy's head is tense. And in the head, listen, well, at least there’s a thought! I thought and thought, but I couldn’t think of anything. No matter how you twist it, you can’t do without Yaga, he went back into the oak grove to look for justice against Fedka!..

BABA YAGA

Are you gloomy again?
What is the reason, who is to blame?
Al the Spanish races,
Did the guard go to war?..

This is jelly made from mold!
Have you tried tea yet?
Just drink it and you’ll immediately forget
About the worldly carousel!

It doesn't taste that good
But it takes away the trembling,
You'll be healthy by tomorrow
Unless you die!..

GENERAL

I'm talking about Sagittarius again!
There is no end to my troubles!
That's why I'm sick
That's why I fell off my face.

What a scoundrel, cunning -
He wiped everyone's noses!
No matter how much you conjure here,
And he got that carpet!

Even though he looks like a simpleton,
And the head is a master at cooking,
So from now on, cast your magic more seriously -
With feeling, so melt yours!..

BABA YAGA

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!

So!.. Hey!.. Uh-huh!.. Aha!..
This is what Yaga found out:
Let him find you a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..

Search the whole wide world -
There are no such things in nature!
This is me for you, my dear,
I speak as a local historian!..

Buffoon-fun

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Before our Fedot had time to wipe the sweat from his face, the villainous king had a new idea. The Tsar is seething with ideas, and Fedka is sweating! In general, Fedka’s life is worse than a bitter radish!..

TSAR

Come on, throw off the blues and laziness
And - on the road this very day!
State business -
I desperately need a deer!

If you are the king's servant -
Go beyond the mountains, beyond the meadows
And find me a deer there,
So that the horns are made of gold.

Don't talk and don't argue,
And go and provide
Otherwise you’ll find out the moment
How your head falls off your shoulders!..

Buffoon-fun

Fedot came home, his snot was fringed! He sat down in front of the torch, hugging the torch. His beautiful wife throws herself on her neck, but he doesn’t even touch his wife! He sits and cries, which means he’s grieving!..

MARUSYA

Are you looking like an owl?
Al were sad about what?
There's not enough salt in the hodgepodge,
Is the steak under-seasoned?

FEDOT

What a lunch!
The king tortured me - I won’t save you!
I'll have to again in the morning
To answer to him!

This king is a fierce enemy -
Sends me on the run again:
Find, shouts, a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..

MARUSYA

Don't be sad and don't whine!
There are sorrows and more!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear.

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate -
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Buffoon-fun

The next morning, the light of Fedot is at the Tsar’s Gate. I came to the reception, and the deer was there. The king's left side stabbed with anger. I would crush the nit, but I don’t show it. He sits and yawns, hiding his anger.

FEDOT

Have you been waiting for tea? Good afternoon
Look out the window when you're not lazy!
You ordered a deer -
Well, here's a deer for you!

And - mind you! - horns on it
So they breathe fire,
From him without any lamp
At night it is as bright as day!..

TSAR

Those deer - don't lie! -
None in Tula or Tver.
What's in Tver - in Baghdad itself
There are at most three of them!

Now think about it, soldier, -
Where is Moscow and where is Baghdad!
Ali, you got away overnight
To Baghdad and back?..

FEDOT

Come on, you are a vigorous louse!
And the deer is not good for you?
And yesterday I tore my soul:
Take out the deer and put it down!..

If you are already rich, -
I will return him to Baghdad.
Who's in power there? -
The guy will be happy!..

TSAR

Fedka, give it to me
Or you will be separated from your head!
I see your hints
Exclusively through and through!

Oh well, for the prestige
Can't you forgive the devil!
Here's a nickel for vodka
And go wherever you want!..

Buffoon-fun

The king calls the general - right from under the blanket. The general is in a panic, looking for his underpants, he understands that they are not calling for gingerbread! The king sits on the throne - he is angry with the whole world. Black with anger, like a raven in a churchyard!..

TSAR

No matter how hard you fought, my dear, -
Fedot didn’t get caught in the snare!
Already written about you
Fictional obituary.

You just need to decide
How can you decide better:
Stun with a candelabra
Should I suffocate with a pillow?..

GENERAL

I made a mistake, sir!
Here's a saber, if you want, hit it!
Only more so Fedot
My brains are not turpentine!

What a fool - don’t blame me!
I have a different essence!
I would like to attack somewhere.
Al go for an assault somewhere!..

TSAR

You are with a fighting sword,
Just remember this FAQ:
Fedot must be defeated
Not with a sword, but with your head!

Well, you will be just as fast,
How have you been until now, -
I am Tabe, cow face,
I’ll put it under the ax myself!..

Buffoon-fun

Our fool strained his mind again. And there was that mind - small bins. I thought and thought, but I couldn’t think of anything. He whistled for a horde of dogs - and to Yaga in the oak grove. When she saw the general, she ran all the way to the Urals. But she came to her senses and returned: no matter how worse things turned out!..

BABA YAGA

You chavoy are out of your mind!
There's a pimple on my lip!
Oh, you'll waste your health
In the political struggle!..

Try hare droppings!
He is vigorous! He'll get it!
And where honey is more healing,
Although it doesn't taste like honey.

Although it tastes cool,
And sometimes they die with him,
But which ones survive -
They live to old age!..

GENERAL

Grandma, don't mess with me!
Find ways!
Think of it like Fedot
Bring it to the grave!

No matter how hard you fought, Yaga,
But it didn’t work out at all!
Just don't pretend
As if there was tightness in the ear.

Blow your head off
Yes, work your magic more carefully.
Our Sagittarius, as it turned out,
Don't be so crazy!..

BABA YAGA

Actually I'm cunning
In the sense of the meanness of the gut,
But chavoy for me today
No magic in the morning!..

Everything stings and hurts,
And my chest is burning with fire!..
I have long suspected
I have encephalitis!..

Oh, chavoy, I feel bad!
Do you hear the crunch in your back?
In a word, since this is the case -
I'm actually on the ticket!

GENERAL

If you get sick - no problem!
Eat the frog from the pond!
There is no more reliable medicine
Than the natural environment!

You're fooling me
We couldn't even think!
It's better to connect everything
Get to work!

And if you get into trouble -
I'll take the saber out of the scabbard!
Even though you are my friend,
But there must be order!..

BABA YAGA

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!

Let Fedot show agility,
May he be able to get you
That-FAQ-In-the-White-World -
Actually-Cannot-Be!

Well, Fedot, now hold on!
The point is right, it seems!
This is exactly the task
You won't do it for the life of you!..

Buffoon-fun

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Again an order of national importance. When will this torment end! Meanwhile, the fairy tale is far from ending!..

TSAR

Find out how to get me some
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be!
Write down your name
So as not to forget in a hurry!

If you don’t complete it by morning -
I'll grind you into powder,
Because your karachter
I haven't felt like it for a long time!

So there’s no point in pouting your lips,
Let's get on the road soon!
State business -
Are you getting the point?

Buffoon-fun

Fedot came home - worse than death itself! White as chalk, his face was numb. I sat down by the window - there was a veil in my eyes. Manya rushed, but he paid no attention: you will be sad if death is behind you!..

MARUSYA

Well, pour out your soul to me,
Are you so damn angry?
Al in Milanese salad
Not enough truffles?..

FEDOT

I'm yours, Marus, menu
I really appreciate it
Only my life, Marusya,
Ruined in the bud!

What should I do? What do i do?..
How can I get rid of my trouble?
The king ordered me to deliver
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be!..

MARUSYA

Don't be sad and don't whine!
All you have to do is shout!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear.

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Pause.

Well done

We apologize, mistress,
This is not about us!

If only it were a diagram or a drawing,
We would start a spin,
Well, search as much as you want,
You'll find the bald devil!

Where to look and how to get it
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be?
After all, he’s not in the world,
No matter how much you dig the ground...

MARUSYA

Don’t blame me, dear friend Fedot,
My income is not great!
Know, fate is for you, falcon,
Go hiking yourself!

Don't fornicate abroad
Keep yourself clean.
Don't interfere in conversations
And don’t make acquaintances!

Avoid empty troubles
Avoid crooked roads
Think more about health
Eat sour cream and cottage cheese!..

FEDOT

You, Marus, don’t be afraid!
It will form, Marus!
I will fulfill the royal task -
And I’ll return safe!

Don't be sad without me!
Water your ficus more often!
If you want, play the balalaika,
Embroider on a hoop if you like!

Well, he’ll poke around like this,
Who will disturb your peace -
I don't need to teach you:
Frying pan at hand!..

Buffoon-fun

Fedot left for an overseas campaign. The general found out about this and lost his last mind. Our cunning man runs to the king’s palace to report that the archer is finished. I already drilled a hole for the order, you fat mug!..

TSAR

Is the news good or bad?
Report everything to me as it is!
Better bitter, but true
What a pleasant thing, but flattery!

Only if enta knows
Again it will not be God knows -
You are for such truth
You can sit down for ten years!..

GENERAL

I report: it’s just dawn
Fedka raised the anchors!
Thank God we got rid of it
From him, from the ghoul!

TSAR

Come on, nanny, come here,
Get to work -
Tear hair from crown
Those who are gray-haired.

And which ones are not gray-haired -
Comb them into rows.
Yes, take it easy with a comb -
I don’t have gardens there!..

NURSE

Why scratch it, old devil?
If he bakes a bald spot?!
You have a lot of hair here
We need to register!..

And why do you need it
At this age, wife?
After all, you, as a man,
I'm sorry, it's worthless!..

TSAR

Even though I have no hair,
And I have to get married!
The Shah of Persia is also bald -
And he has forty wives!

I just want one
Get yourself a wife!
Something I mean in an intimate sense
And I can’t handle one?..

NURSE

Apparently the Shah has
There is also a strength, and to become -
And you, you dead cricket,
You can't see under the crown!

At your age
The strength is still not the same!
Would you take care of your health -
After all, you are over a hundred!..

TSAR

Eka importance – more than a hundred!
If only the blood was thick!
They say you are submissive to love
Everyone is literally of age!

So, nanny, like it or not,
And I’m good for business!
If everyone is submissive to love,
So I am submissive too!..

NURSE

You, my friend, are one of those husbands,
What is more harmless than snakes:
They scratch, but don't bite,
Can't say it's the worst!..

To steal someone else's woman,
You must have ardor and passion!
And your task now is
Don't go to the cemetery!..

TSAR ( General)

Well, why are you silent?
Are you strumming medals?
Al, don’t you see how dirty they are?
State prestige?

The nanny bends me into an arc,
And the minister - not a word!
You are our defense
So, fight back the enemy!..

GENERAL

Well, these are women's courts
There are always bad things about men!
Don't doubt yourself,
You are a lover anywhere!

Proud profile, firm step,
From behind - it's a clear check!
Toko - move the crown to one side,
So that it doesn’t hang on your ears!..

TSAR ( Nanny)

The minister is not my enemy,
I said everything as it is without lying,
But he is not a stupid man,
Don't look like he's a fool.

You are nothing but bedlam,
Shame on the king, embarrassment on the ambassadors!
I have been anti-resisting for a long time:
Aren't you sent to us?..

Don't spy and don't harm,
If you dare, look!
We're having a conversation with you
There will be a big one ahead!..

Buffoon-fun

The king goes to Mana to pay attention. He himself sits in the carriage, stinking of decologne, behind the king the retinue is powdered and curled, behind the retinue there is a chest - kozinaki and hazelnuts. Everything is honorable - the king is going to the bride!..THE TSING

You, Marus, don’t make me angry
And the conflict with me did not last long!
I'm leaving for Paris the other day
The guillotine has arrived!

In light of what I said -
Better be my wife!
I have nerves too,
I'm not made of steel either!

MARUSYA

Go away, hateful one, away
And I don’t mind being a husband!
If you don’t leave, then I can
Help with a frying pan!

TSAR

Hey, the little guys at the door, -
Get her into shackles quickly!
What kind of fashion is this -
Frying pans into kings!

You'll get hurt in prison -
And you will get better in your mind!
No matter how much you, girl, don’t hesitate,
Let's get married by winter!..

MARUSYA

Catch me, you idiot
It takes a lot of work!
Goodbye, my sieve friend,
Maybe we'll meet again sometime...

Marusya turns into a dove and flies away.

Buffoon-fun

Fedot swam for almost a year. I ate halva, ate persimmons - but kept my own in mind! Miracles in the world are like flies in the toilet, but the necessary miracle is not yet in sight. Fedot is worried - time is ticking! I decided without hysteria: I’ll go to America. Fedot floats among the endless waters, the sunset is ahead, the sunrise is behind. Suddenly, in the middle of the hike, the weather turned bad. There was no misfortune - and on you, hello: the ship is a crap! - and fell into pieces!.. The thunderstorm passed - Fedot opened his eyes: he was lying on the wave, completely unharmed. He sees: the island sticks out like a float. I got to the shore and thought - America. He took out the map and checked it - but no, it’s not America, but Buyan Island, damn it - maybe there’s some flaw in the map?! Fedot sits, hiccups, and takes in the situation...

FEDOT

How much at the whim of the king
I haven't sailed overseas -
I've never seen a lousier place
Frankly speaking!

Well, the island is just melancholy! -
Entirely made of stone and sand,
And as long as the eye can see -
No river, no forest!..

It wouldn't be a problem,
If only there was food here, -
If there were quinoa here,
If only quinoa would do!..

VOICE

Who is hungry for food -
Let him come here:
I have plenty of food
I have her pounds!

For example, get
Rolls straight from the oven,
Here's a turkey roast
Here's a cherry plum compote!

Here are the sausages, here are the cheeses,
Here's half a centner of caviar,
Here are the Caribbean lobsters,
Here are the Don sturgeons!..

Tables with food appear.

FEDOT

Do me the honor, master,
Show yourself what you are!
Somehow indecent for a guest
Drink and eat alone!

Tea, on your island
It's more fun to be bored together -
Where will we scatter the cards?
Let's pour a glass somewhere!..

VOICE

I would be glad, but my portrait -
It’s a secret for me too!
Sometimes I wonder myself
Either I exist or I don’t!..

I have countless worries:
There is food, but nothing to eat,
There is tobacco, but nothing to sniff,
There is a bench, but nothing to sit on!

So tired for a thousand years,
What is not the joy of white light!
I thought I would hang myself, -
Again, there is no neck!

FEDOT

Oh yeah meeting! That is,
I managed to get you -
That-FAQ-In-the-White-World -
Actually-Cannot-Be!

What, melancholy and moping,
Spending life in vain -
Maybe you can swim with me
Before the Rasei king?..

Take a walk, freshen up,
Make friends with white light!
What is life without adventure?
Just horror, not life!..

VOICE

I'm a helpful prospect
Never against!
I'm ready for the bees to enter the hive,
If only it were in colftiv!

Give orders - and even where,
At least for ore mining!
I'll work hard for nothing
No drinking and no food!

I'm good for any business,
I can enter any door
I'll get you whatever you want
Even a savvy louse!..

FEDOT

Louse, of course it is, so?
Louse, it’s not bad either!
But on this insect
You won't get far!

Better get me a fleet -
Either a boat or a raft,
Since you're so skilled
A polyglot in this matter!

By morning, around five o'clock,
We must be on our way,
Because we are in Russia
We're already tired of waiting, guess!..

Buffoon-fun

Meanwhile, the king does not waste time - he receives the ambassador of the cannibal tribe. London-Paris greased their skis, the Tsar was left with thinner ambassadors. The Tsar just jumps like a goat in front of the ambassador: they say, here’s your daughter, take her - and that’s it! You know, things are really bad, since it has come to such a disaster! Well, okay, it can be worse - as long as the girl is with her husband!..

TSAR

Good afternoon, happy hour!
We are glad to see you here!
Believe me, salaam alaikum,
Bona sir, you ist das!

Who are you from?.. How old are you?..
Are you married or not?
Would you like to join our fraulein?
Cock tete-a-tete?

NURSE

TSAR

You are a spy, that's a fact!
No matter what you blurt out, everything is out of tune!
You are with everyone abroad
I lost contact!

I've been waiting for messengers for years,
And she is theirs - from Sentsy!
For whom then the princess
Give it away in the end?

NURSE

Look at his face:
Ears apart, nose ring!
And the skin is all pockmarked,
Like a cuckoo's egg!..

Even I - what to hide? -
I wouldn't go to bed with him!
Is it really our girl?
Give it up for something like this?!

TSAR

When the chances are zero,
They are looking for gold in the ashes!
The girl also means faces
Far from creme brulee!

Anything will do for her now -
Whether you want a hunchback or a pockmarked one,
Because they are pockmarked
They don't rush to us in droves!..

NURSE

Well, he's from wild places,
Wow, look what he eats!
Do you remember the topaz vase?
He gobbled it up, Herod - that's the cross!

If only he had asked, the villain,
Salmon and milk mushrooms -
Well, he eats faq at random,
From porcelain to nails!

TSAR

Whatever he asks for, he’s a guest!
Bring everything to him in handfuls!
Tea, we have no shortage
Neither in porcelain, nor in nails?

Since salmon disgusts him -
Let him eat whatever he wants.
Look, on a full stomach
And he will seduce the princess!..

NURSE

Yes, ambassadors - at least give them poison! -
They'll eat everything for free!
Maybe he's safe
But let them follow him!

You tell him as father-in-law:
Eat, they say, everything - but know, they say, honor, -
Because he's in the heat of the moment
And he can eat the princess!

TSAREVNA

So that you can go out into the world with something like this?
Well, the pipes!.. well, no!..
He's already unprepossessing,
Duck isho and a cannibal!..

Let him go, he's a troglodyte,
Will make me all rich -
No reciprocal passion
He won't turn me on!

TSAR

Call back the ambassador
Yes, stay with him vis-a-vis,
And you will endure a little -
There it will come to love!

If this entot is a troglodyte
He'll see your appearance -
He will forever lose
Appetite for cannibalism!..

TSAREVNA

No matter how much, dad, you noah -
The right to choose is mine!
I'll poison myself, but I won't
A cannibalistic wife!

But if he comes
With Fedot's proposal -
For me from the candidates
Anton will be the one!..

TSAR

Charged like a hoopoe -
Every word is Fedot!
Apart from Fedot, no
No sorrows, no worries!

Your Fedot is now at the bottom,
In the depths of Okiyansk,
And - since he was drowned -
Doesn't need a wife!..

TSAREVNA

If that's the case -
I refuse to eat!
Here's mine for you, daddy,
Political revenge!

I won't eat caviar,
As usual, a bucket at a time -
And out of exhaustion
I'll get sick and die!..

TSAR

Wherever you spit, wherever you poke -
From ministers to relatives -
All are complete freethinkers,
All pests are the same!..

What a lump in my throat!
No sympathy for anyone!
I'll find a quieter forest
And I’ll get a job as a forester!..

Buffoon-fun

A year has passed, another is coming - Fedot returned home. But there is no house - just a skeleton sticks out, beams and rafters, and nettles all around. And under the eaves, a bird, a forest pigeon, curled up in a gray ball...

Attention! This is an introductory fragment of the book.

If you liked the beginning of the book, then the full version can be purchased from our partner - the distributor of legal content, LitRes LLC.

Buffoon-amusement

Believe it or not, but Fedot the Sagittarius lived in this world, a daring fellow. Fedot was neither handsome nor ugly, neither ruddy, nor pale, neither rich nor poor, neither scabbed nor brocade, but just like that. Fedot's service includes fishing and hunting. To the Tsar - game and fish, to Fedot - thank you. Guests in the palace are like seeds in a cucumber. One is from Sweden, another from Greece, the third from Hawaii - and give everyone something to eat! One - lobster, another - squid, the third - sardines, but there is only one earner! One day they give him an order: to appear at court at just light in the morning. The king looks like a morel, has a head as big as a fist, and there is an enormous amount of malice in him. He looks at Fedka like an ulcer man looks at a radish. Fedka's shirt got wet from fear, there was a pounding in his temples, a growling in his belly, and here, as they say, the beginning of a fairy tale...

Tsar

Come to us for morning pickle
The English ambassador arrived,
And in our house there are snacks -
Half a slice and a corn.

Get ready, brother, let's go
Bring us some food -
Capercaillie or partridge,
Al isho someone.

If you can't - who to blame? -
I must execute you.
State business -
Are you catching the thread?..

Fedot

There's something I don't understand
In my mind?..
Tea, I slurp cabbage soup without bast shoes,
I'm figuring out what's what.

It turns out that it's on me
All politics in the country:
I won’t get a partridge -
There will certainly be war.

So that the English ambassador
I wasn't angry from hunger -
I won't spare my head
I’ll provide the pickle!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king's word is harder than crackers. If he sends you to the bear, you will go to the bear, but where to go - you have to, Fedya! Or game and fish - or sword and rack. Fedot walked through a hundred forests, a hundred swamps, but all in vain - not a partridge, not a wood grouse! Tired, no urine, and it’s late at night. Even with an empty bag, it’s time to go home. Suddenly he sees a bird, a forest pigeon, sitting, not hiding, not afraid of a gun...

Fedot

This is misfortune, this is trouble,
There is no trace of game.
I'll shoot a pigeon
At least some kind of food!

But generally speaking,
Pigeons are scolded in vain.
Pigeon - if in gravy -
He is no worse than a wood grouse!..

Blueberry

You, Fedot, don’t touch me,
There's not a penny's benefit in this, -
And you can't fill the pan,
And you can't stuff the pillow.

Tea, overseas gentleman
Loves fresh galantine
What kind of meat is there in me?
So, no meat, just laughter!..

Fedot

Is the devil now zealous?
Is the air drunk now?
Maybe something happened in my ear?
What flaw do I have?

Either from the royal windows
Such a law was announced
For the birds to talk
In human language?..

Blueberry

Don’t commit robbery, Fedot,
And take me with you.
How will you bring me into the light
I will become your destiny.

I will sew, wash, cook,
Don’t reproach for insults,
And play the violin for you,
And kill the bugs for you!..

Fedot

What kind of parable is this - I don’t understand?..
Okay, get into my bag!..
There, on the spot, we'll figure it out,
Who's going where and what's what!

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot brought the little turtledove to his place, which means he went to the little mountain. He sits sadly, hanging his head. And there are serious reasons for the sadness. Our Fedot's hunt did not go well. But the tsar doesn’t like to joke - he’ll chop your head off at once. Fedot sits, sad, and says goodbye to the white light. I remembered about the bird, the forest pigeon. Lo and behold, in the middle of the hill, instead of that turtle dove, there stands a beautiful maiden, slender as a tree!..

Marusya

Hello, Fedya!.. You and me -
We are now one family.

I am your wife, Marusya,
I am your wife.

Why are you silent, dear friend Fedot,
How can you get water into your mouth?..
It’s not the same kokoshnik I’m wearing,
Is the outfit I’m wearing wrong?..

Fedot

To you, my soul,
A century would look without breathing,
Just to become your husband
There's no chance for me!..

I was there - just before dawn -
At a reception with the king,
Well, the king gave me a task
I mean, it means wood grouse.

Even though it’s not the season for game -
There is no reason to argue with the authorities:
Okay, I think I'll get it
Tea, capercaillie, not bison.

I walked all day
And good luck - at least a shadow:
Not a single serious bird
Everything is complete rubbish!..

And now, my dear friend,
No time for dancing on the meadow -
Tomorrow the king will take care of this matter
He'll chop my head off.

And I'm useless like that
Neither at work, nor at home,
Because my whole point
Exclusively in the mind!..

Marusya

Don't freak out and don't whine!
There will be a table and there will be game!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

(Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear)

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate,
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Buffoon-amusement

And the king and the ambassador are already sitting at the table. It's nearby - look at it! - princess and nanny. And everyone is waiting for the promised food from Fedya. What's a conversation without a hearty lunch? And the table is empty: carrots and cabbage, dill and parsley - that’s the whole feast. The guest is bored, shakes his boots, examines the holes in the tablecloth. The Tsar is angry and does not notice how he calls Fedka after his mother. Suddenly - as if from heaven: a loaf of bread, a badey caviar, stewed turkey, sterlet fish soup, veal offal - and there are thousands of names for such food! With such food - how can there not be a conversation!..

Tsar

Causes antiresis
Your technical progress:
How do you sow rutabaga there?
With or without peel?..

Ambassador

Tsar

Causes antiresis
Your nutritional process:
How do you drink kakava there?
With or without saccharin?..

Ambassador

Tsar

Causes antiresis
And this is the cut:
How do your women walk there?
With or without trousers?

Ambassador

Nurse

I would have been embarrassed to even send an ambassador!..
Has his head completely weakened?..
No matter what they say -
Anything will lead to women!

Tsar

Are you playing your tune again?
I'll go to jail, keep that in mind!
I'm not just babbling,
I'm conducting politics!

The Avon girl has grown up,
And then, like half an oar!
So I’m thinking about how to give it away
Our steal for the ambassador!

Just need some benefit
To lure him without being angry -
Make subtle hints
Unsurprisingly and from afar.

Nurse

Yes for this ambassador
Even I wouldn’t go, -
So he glares, the bastard,
What to clean off the table!

He always “Yes” and “Yes” to you,
Meanwhile, he eats and eats everything.
Turn away - he's half the race
Swallow it in one sitting!

Tsar

Ali sew your mouth shut,
I'll kick Ali out!
You've already given me away
All overseas attaches!

Once upon a time there was a Spanish grandee,
What a dandy, what a dandy!
There's a diamond in each ear -
Why isn't that an option for you?

You set it up so that the guest
I accidentally sat on a nail,
And I left the guest -
Political anger!..

Nurse

Why, I remember!.. This grand
Was to devour great talent:
He got his head into the plate,
The bow was already stained with grease!

Why don’t you ask the grandee -
He's like a butt - "si" and "si"
Well, everything comes together
On to the herring!

Tsar

I'm behind your line
I'll rot you to the core!
I'm not joking with you
I'm serious!

From Germany Baron
He was good from all sides
I couldn’t resist even here -
Damaged him.

Who's at the bottom of the bucket?
Threw a dead mouse?
You're a real pest,
Damned soul!..

Nurse

Yes, this is your baron
The crack was pretty good!
Throw him into the flock of crows -
He will take it from the crows too.

Proud in appearance - “I-a” and “I-a”,
And gluttonous like a pig,
Give straw - he will eat straw,
Tea, someone else’s, not our own!..

Tsar

Well, spy, give me time -
I'll throw you in prison!
Well, I'm not an angry guy,
But he is strict with pests.

So answer me - don’t waste words!
Where can a princess get a husband?
Tea, you fool, you see -
She has no army of suitors!

If only a regiment were crowded here -
There would be some point in bickering,
Well, no - grab anyone,
Even if he were a Bryansk wolf!..

Princess

If you are in power in the race,
So, rule the race to your heart’s content,
Don't meddle in my destiny
And don’t interfere with my love!

In the house of the entih attache
A hundred pieces per floor,
I need their cologne
I can’t breathe anymore!..

Tsar

If love is truly evil,
You'll love the ambassador too.
And at the same time you will correct me
And trade matters.

I'm under this antires
I'll melt hemp and wood for them,
All honesty agrees,
Only you are going against it!..

Princess

No matter how much you frown -
I repeat again and again:
The individual has the right
For free love!

Maybe it's finally done
And it would come to the rings, -
If only he suddenly wooed me
Your Fedotushko the Sagittarius!..

Tsar

Tsk, you fool!.. Shut up!..
Test place by the oven!
Come on, go to your room
And learn solfege!

And the damned archer,
Insolent and scoundrel,
I'm using whips and batogs
I’ll run away from the palace right away!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king had a general who was collecting information. He will hide his face in his beard and wander around the city. Sniffs, a dog, thinking differently. He overhears conversations: what if there are conspirators in the country? Wherever he hears the FAQ, he will write it down in a book. And at seven o'clock exactly - to the Tsar for a report.

Tsar

Why are you sad, general?
Ali fell ill with measles,
Ali got drunk on his mash,
Did Ali lose at cards?

Ali service is not nice,
Ali's army is small,
Ali found in the cannon
Barrel damage?

Report without any lies,
Why is there darkness in my heart, -
I would like to know in detail
Who, where, FAQ and how!..

General

I was with the archer a while ago,
At Fedot the daredevil,
How I saw his wife -
So he jumped off the porch.

Third day - I'm not lying to her! -
I don’t take the saber in my hands,
And such dreaminess
Look, I'll die!

And the other day there was a sin -
I almost made up a poem,
The doctors got scared
They say: love shock!..

Tsar

The archer passed me!..
But he knew that I was a widower!
Well, I'll steal the ent in a moment
Deliver me to the palace!

And the insidious archer
Wipe it off your face this very moment,
So that he doesn't wipe himself off
Near our porch!..

General

Snatching her is not difficult,
Yes, the people are painfully cool:
How will they find out whose idea it is, -
They'll grind you into powder!

The people have become daring now,
Don't put your finger in their mouth -
We do not favor Fedot,
But the people are the opposite!

Tsar

You are such a fool
On Saturdays or what?
I owe something to the minister
Should I explain such a trifle?

To say something bad about the king
People didn't talk in vain,
Act strictly according to the law
That is, act... quietly.

Well, I’m already here -
I will reward you for your work:
The blacksmiths were given a task -
The order will be forged by tomorrow!..

Buffoon-amusement

The general spent the whole day gathering his wits. I kept thinking in the sweat of my brow - how to get rid of Sagittarius. Yes, the thoughts in my head turned sour from tension. In my spare time I remembered my old friend, Baba Yaga the Bone Leg. I’ll go see her, she’s smarter!.. And that middle of the oak grove collects herbs, cooks all sorts of poisons. When I saw the general, I lost all the herbariums. I miss you in the wilderness without a soul mate!..

Baba Yaga

You chavoy are not yourself,
Not rosy, not alive!..
Ali is a Swede near St. Petersburg,
Is he a Turk near Moscow?..

Eat aspen bark -
And you will cheer up for the time being:
Tea, not some kind of chemistry,
Tea, natural gifts!

In her juice, general,
There is a useful mineral -
From him from the generals
Not one died!..

General

That's enough, grandma!.. I'm not sick!..
Let's go over the hill!..
Make the hedgehogs and squirrels laugh,
There is a serious conversation.

Here we have one archer -
Extremely literate, bastard!..
So I got a task
Completely destroy him!

But how? Cut off the head -
Then the rumor will begin to sound!..
Can you give me some advice?
What is the smartest way to ruin him?..

Baba Yaga

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!

Since he is so zealous and quick,
What enters into an argument with the king, -
Let him get it by tomorrow
Gold embroidered carpet.

So that it is visible on it,
Like on a map, the whole country.
Well, if he doesn’t get it, -
That's a wine getter!..

General

Hey grandma! Oh yes special!
That's the end of the trouble!
At least take you out of the mortar -
Yes, the minister to the palace!

None of the Germans are at odds,
How far is it from trouble?
And with you I'm ready
Whether for reconnaissance or wherever!

I pay for good with good:
You want - a marten, you like - a beaver,
If you don't want it, I can use a coin,
Gold or silver!..

Baba Yaga

Enough, dove, don’t sin,
Take away your pennies, -
I'm not in it for the money,
I do this for the soul.

There will be a new trouble -
Hurry straight here.
Tea, and we are not animals in the forest,
Tea, we will always help!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Isho didn’t give the task, and he’s already angry in advance. He twists his hands, knocks his feet, rotates his eyes, in general, intimidates. He really wants to hurt Fedot so much that it hurts right in his bones!..

Tsar

Get a carpet by morning -
Gold embroidered pattern!..
State business -
Hurt yourself, but be kind!

So that it is visible on it,
Like on the map, the whole country,
Because I'm from the balcony
No fucking review!

You won’t find it, I want it frequently, -
I'll shorten it to the head,
I'll hand you over at dawn
Straight into the clutches of the executioner!

Prankster

Fedot came home, dumb from grief. He sat down in the corner, looking at the ceiling, his clear eyes clouded with tears. Manya calls for food, but he shakes his neck, doesn’t want anything, sulks and whines...

Marusya

Are you often angry like a hedgehog?
Do you often neither eat nor drink?
Ali's porridge is burnt,
Is the jelly bad?

Fedot

What kind of food is there!
The king is angry - it’s a real disaster!
No to this villain
No council, no court!

Get, screams, carpet,
Gold embroidered pattern
The width of the entire Race,
A hundred forests and a hundred lakes!..

Marusya

Don't freak out and don't whine!
Let the old bastard be angry!
Well, stand in front of me,
Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!..

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate,
Tea, it's not the first time!

Buffoon-amusement

The next morning Fedot is at the Tsar’s Gate. I came to the reception and received the carpet. Stands smiling, the guards are not afraid. The king was surprised and even choked on caviar. Anger wears on him, but doesn’t want to show it. He looks like he's happy!..

Fedot

Yesterday you asked for a carpet, -
Well, I pinned him down.
Everything is according to the agreement -
Both the drawing and the color.

All Raseyushka in full
Reflected on the carpet.
This carpet is a gift for you
My wife wove it!..

Tsar

Oh wow! Oh yeah, grab it!
How many people are you married to?
Ali you got married right away
Whole weaving mill?

You, Fedot, have a wife
Even though she’s smart, she’s still alone!
And to weave something like this overnight -
Their division is needed!..

Fedot

Isn't the carpet pleasing to the eye?
Is the pattern in the carpet wrong?
Well, I'll put it under his arm -
And the conversation is over!

So that your labors are not wasted,
I will sell it to merchants,
And let him leave Russia
Sails to Amsterdam!..

Tsar

I would like to beat you with whips,
Four or five
So that you don't get rid of yourself
Over serious people!

But since I'm calm
I honor order and law, -
Here's a nickel for vodka
And he got out of here!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king is calling the general, a pin in his visor! The king's face looks like a beet, and when he is red, he looks dangerous. It hits, the infection, no more than once, but it doesn’t miss the eye. The general tested this on himself: from the beginning of the fairy tale he has been walking around in a bandage!..

Tsar

Well, bro, what's the result?
Are you a little confused?
Only this one will pull a little
About five years!

You are broad in our shoulders,
And my head completely withered away.
Here's how you can fix your mind
At state-owned grub!..

General

Throw me in prison
For any period of time -
All this is science
It won't do any good for me, the fool!

I would like a saber and a horse -
Yes to the line of fire!
And palace intrigues -
It's not all about me!

Tsar

You tell me, your honor,
Stop the heat and flog it!
You figure out how to do it without a saber
We must defeat Fedot!

Well, you'll be a fool -
Do not look for guilt in anyone:
I'll clean your snout
Personally with this fist!..

Buffoon-amusement

It was in vain that the general rubbed his hands: the raid failed to kill Fedot. Again the poor guy's head is tense. And in my head - listen! - well, at least there’s a thought! I thought and thought, but I couldn’t think of anything. No matter how you twist it, you can’t do without Yaga! I went back into the oak grove to look for justice against Fedka!..

Baba Yaga

Are you gloomy again?
What is the reason, who is to blame?
Al the Spanish races,
Al the Frenchman went to war?

This is jelly made from mold!
Have you tried tea yet?
Just drink it and you’ll immediately forget
About the worldly carousel!

It doesn't taste that good
But it takes away the trembling,
You'll be healthy by tomorrow
Unless you die!..

General

I'm talking about Sagittarius again!
There is no end to my troubles!
That's why I'm sick
That's why I fell off my face.

What a scoundrel, cunning -
He wiped everyone's noses!
No matter how much you conjure here,
And he got that carpet!

Even though he looks like a simpleton,
And the head is a master at cooking,
So from now on, cast your magic more seriously,
With feeling, so please!

Baba Yaga

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!

So!.. Hey!.. Uh-huh!.. Aha!..
This is what Yaga found out:
Let him find you a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..

Search the whole wide world -
There are no such things in nature!
This is me for you, my dear,
I speak as a local historian!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Before our Fedot had time to wipe the sweat from his face, the villainous king had a new idea. The Tsar is seething with ideas, and Fedka is sweating! In general, Fedka’s life is worse than a bitter radish!..

Tsar

Come on, throw off the blues and laziness
And - on the road this very day!
State business -
I desperately need a deer!

If you are the king's servant -
Go beyond the mountains, beyond the meadows
And find me a deer there,
So that the horns are made of gold.

Don't talk and don't argue,
And go and provide
Otherwise you’ll find out the moment
How your head falls off your shoulders!..

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot came home, his snot was a fringe! He sat down in front of the torch, hugging the torch. His beautiful wife throws herself on her neck, but he doesn’t even touch his wife! He sits and cries, which means he’s grieving!..

Marusya

Are you looking like an owl?
What are you fussing about?
There's not enough salt in the hodgepodge,
Is the steak under-seasoned?

Fedot

What a lunch!
The king tortured me - I won’t save you!
I'll have to again in the morning
To answer to him!

This king is a fierce enemy -
Sends me on the run again:
Find, shouts, a deer,
So that horns are made of gold!..

Marusya

Don't freak out and don't whine!
There are sorrows and more!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

(Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear.)

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate -
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Buffoon-amusement

Just after light Fedot is at the Tsar's Gate. I came to the reception, and the deer was there. The king's left side stabbed with anger. I would crush the nit, but I don’t show it. He sits, yawns, and hides his anger!..

Fedot

Have you been waiting for tea? Good afternoon
Look out the window when you're not lazy!
You ordered a deer -
Well, here's a deer for you!

And - mind you! - horns on it
So they breathe fire,
From him without any lamp
At night it is as bright as day!..

Tsar

Those deer - don't lie! -
None in Tula or Tver.
What's in Tver - in Baghdad itself
There are at most three of them!

Now think about it, soldier, -
Where is Moscow and where is Baghdad!
Ali, you got away overnight
To Baghdad and back?..

Fedot

Come on, you are a vigorous louse!
And the deer is not good for you?
And yesterday I tore my soul:
Take out the deer and put it down!..

If you are already rich, -
I will return him to Baghdad.
Who's in power there? -
The guy will be happy!..

Tsar

Fedka, give it to me
Or you will be separated from your head!
I see your hints
Exclusively through and through!

Oh well, for the prestige
Can't you forgive the devil!
Here's a nickel for vodka
And go wherever you want!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king calls the general - right from under the blanket. The general is in a panic, looking for his underpants, he understands that they are not calling for gingerbread! The king sits on the throne - he is angry with the whole world. Black with anger, like a raven in a churchyard!..

Tsar

No matter how hard you fought, my dear, -
Fedot didn’t get caught in the snare!
Already written about you
Fictional obituary.

You just need to decide
How can you decide better:
Stun with a candelabra
Should I suffocate with a pillow?..

General

I made a mistake, sir!
Here's that saber, hit it if you want!
Only more so Fedot
My brains are not turpentine!

What a fool - don’t blame me!
I have a different essence!
I would like to attack somewhere.
Al go for an assault somewhere!..

Tsar

You are with a fighting sword,
Just remember this FAQ:
Fedot must be defeated
Not with a sword, but with your head!

Well, you will be just as fast,
How have you been until now, -
I love you, cow face,
I’ll put it under the ax myself!..

Buffoon-amusement

Our fool strained his mind again. And there was that mind - small bins. I thought and thought, but I couldn’t think of anything. He whistled for a horde of dogs - and to Yaga in the oak grove. When she saw the general, she ran all the way to the Urals. Yes, she came to her senses and returned: no matter how worse things turned out!..

Baba Yaga

You chavoy are out of your mind!
There's a pimple on my lip!
Oh, you'll waste your health
In the political struggle!..

Try hare droppings!
He is vigorous! He'll get it!
And where honey is more healing,
Although it doesn't taste like honey.

Although it tastes cool,
And sometimes they die from it,
But which ones survive -
They live to old age!..

General

Grandma, don't mess with me!
Find ways!
Think of it like Fedot
Bring it to the grave!

No matter how hard you fought, Yaga,
But it didn’t work out at all!
Fedot got hold of a deer -
Precious horns!

Blow your head off
Yes, work your magic more carefully.
Our Sagittarius, as it turned out,
Don't be so crazy!..

Baba Yaga

Actually I'm cunning
In the sense of the meanness of the gut,
Yes, chavoy for me today
No magic in the morning!..

Everything stings and hurts,
And my chest is burning with fire!..
I have long suspected
I have encephalitis!..

Oh, chavoy, I feel bad!
Do you hear the crunch in your back?
In a word, since this is the case -
I'm actually on the bulletin!

General

If you get sick - no problem!
Eat the frog from the pond!
There is no more reliable medicine
Than the natural environment!

You're fooling me
We couldn't even think!
It's better to connect everything
Get to work!

And if you get into trouble -
I'll take the saber out of the scabbard!
Even though you are my friend,
And there must be order!..

Baba Yaga

Conjure, woman, conjure, grandfather,
Three on the side - yours are not there,
Ace of diamonds, pine coffin,
Give me the answer about Sagittarius!

Let Fedot show agility,
May he be able to get you
That-FAQ-In-the-White-World -
Actually-Cannot-Be!

Well, Fedot, now hold on!
The point is right, it seems!
This is exactly the task
You won't do it for the life of you!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king is calling the archer, a daring young man. Again an order of national importance. When will this torment end! Meanwhile, the fairy tale is far from ending!..

Tsar

Find out how to get me some
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be!
Write down your name
So as not to forget in a hurry!

If you don’t complete it by morning -
I'll grind you into powder,
Because your karachter
I haven't felt like it for a long time!

So there’s no point in pouting your lips,
Let's get on the road soon!
State business -
Are you getting the point?

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot came home - worse than death itself! White as chalk, his face was numb. I sat down by the window - there was a veil in my eyes. Manya rushed, but he paid zero attention!.. You will be sad if death is behind you!..

Marusya

Well, pour out your soul to me,
Are you so damn angry?
Al in Milanese salad
Not enough truffles?..

Fedot

I'm yours, Marus, menu
I really appreciate it
Only my life, Marusya,
Ruined in the bud!

What should I do? What do i do?..
How can I get rid of my trouble?
The king ordered me to deliver
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be!..

Marusya

Don't be sad and don't whine!
All you have to do is shout!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

(Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear.)

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Pause.

Well done

We apologize, mistress,
This is not about us!

If only a diagram or drawing -
We would start a spin,
Well, search as much as you want,
You'll find the bald devil!

Where to look and how to get it
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be?
After all, he’s not in the world,
No matter how much you dig the ground!..

Marusya

Don’t blame me, dear friend Fedot,
My income is not great!
Know that it’s your destiny, my love,
Go hiking yourself!

Don't fornicate abroad
Keep yourself clean.
Don't interfere in conversations
And don’t make acquaintances!

Avoid empty troubles
Avoid crooked roads
Think more about health
Eat sour cream and cottage cheese!..

Fedot

You, Marus, don’t be afraid!
It will form, Marus!
I will fulfill the royal task -
And I’ll return safe!

Don't be sad without me!
Water your ficus more often!
If you want, play the balalaika,
Embroider on a hoop if you like!

Well, he’ll poke around like this,
Who will disturb your peace -
I don't need to teach you:
Frying pan at hand!..

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot left for an overseas campaign. When the general found out about it, he lost his last mind. Our cunning man runs to the king’s palace to report that the archer is finished. I already drilled a hole for the order, you fat mug!..

Tsar

Is the news good or bad, -
Report everything to me as it is!
Better bitter, but true
What a pleasant thing, but flattery!

Only if enta knows
It will happen again - God knows,
You are for such truth
You can sit down for ten years!..

General

I report: it’s just dawn
Fedka raised the anchors!
Thank God we got rid of it
From him, from the ghoul!

Tsar

Come on, nanny, come here,
Get to work -
Tear hair from crown
Those who are gray-haired.

And which ones are not gray-haired,
Comb them into rows.
Yes, take it easy with a comb,
I don’t have gardens there!..

Nurse

Why scratch it, old devil?
If he bakes a bald spot?!
You have a lot of hair here
We need to register!..

And why do you need it
At this age, wife?
After all, you, as a man,
I'm sorry, it's worthless!..

Tsar

Even though I have no hair,
And I have to get married!
The Shah of Persia is also bald,
And he has forty wives!

I just want one
Get yourself a wife!
Something I mean in an intimate sense
And I can’t handle one?..

Nurse

Apparently the Shah has
There is both strength and becoming,
And you, you dead cricket,
You can't see under the crown!

At your age
The strength is still not the same!
Would you take care of your health?
After all, you are over a hundred!..

Tsar

Eka importance - more than a hundred!
If only the blood was thick!
They say you are submissive to love
Everyone is literally of age!

So, nanny, like it or not,
And I’m good for business!
If everyone is submissive to love,
So I am submissive too!..

Nurse

You, my friend, are one of those husbands,
What is more harmless than snakes:
They scratch, but don't bite,
I wouldn't say it's the worst!

To steal someone else's woman,
You must have ardor and passion!
And your task now is
Don't go to the cemetery!..

Tsar (To the General)

Well, why are you silent?
Are you strumming medals?
Al, don’t you see how dirty they are?
State prestige?

The nanny bends me into an arc,
And the minister - not a guta!
You are our defense
So, fight back the enemy!..

General

Well, these are women's courts
There are always bad things about men!
Don't doubt yourself,
You are a lover anywhere!

Proud profile, firm step,
From behind - it's a clear check!
Just move the crown to one side
So that it doesn’t hang on your ears!..

Tsar (To the Nanny)

The minister is not my enemy,
I said everything as it is without lying,
But he is not a stupid man,
Don't look like he's a fool.

You are nothing but bedlam,
Shame on the king, embarrassment on the ambassadors!
I have been anti-resisting for a long time,
Aren't you sent to us?..

Don't spy and don't harm,
If you dare, look:
We're having a conversation with you
There will be a big one ahead!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king is going to Mana to pay attention. He himself sits in the carriage, stinking of decologne, behind the king the retinue is powdered and curled, behind the retinue there is a chest - kozinaki and hazelnuts. Everything is honorable - the king is going to his bride!..

Tsar

By order of the king
Fedka has left for the seas!
In general, I left him
Melted, to put it simply!

So as not to be poor alone, -
Become my wife!
What about the FAQ?.. I'm a distinguished man
And groovy affection!..

Marusya

Isho Fedot didn’t have time
Take a step from the gate,
And the crows have already flown
To Fedotov's garden!..

Tsar

Don't be a fool to me, girl!
They offer it - take it!
Tea, not for you every evening
Widow kings are walking!..

This very hour, I say,
Get ready for the altar!
Crazy with delight
Take a sniff of ammonia!

Marusya

You are better, sir,
Hit others!
My concern is to wait for Fedot
Yes, look at the calendar!

Tsar

Come on, girl, the rumors lie!
Waiting for Sagittarius is a waste of time.
He's in some Hong Kong
Eating some fruit mushroom!

You yourself, fool, weigh yourself:
He is there, and you are here!
There is no now Fedot,
Fedot was there, but he all came out!

Marusya

Even if you beat me with a whip,
Even cut me with a sword, -
All the same as your wife
I won't give a damn!

Tsar

You, Marus, don’t make me angry
And the conflict with me did not last long!
I'm leaving for Paris the other day
The guillotine has arrived!

In light of what I said -
Better be my wife!
I have nerves too,
I'm not made of steel either!

Marusya

Go away, hateful one, away
And I don’t mind being a husband!
If you don't leave, then I can
Help with a frying pan!

Tsar

Well, those at the door -
Get her into shackles quickly!
What kind of fashion is this -
Frying pans into kings!

You'll get hurt in prison -
And you will get better in your mind!
No matter how much you, girl, don’t hesitate,
Let's get married by winter!..

Marusya

Catch me, you idiot
It takes a lot of work!
Goodbye, my sieve friend,
Maybe we'll meet someday!..

(Marusya turns into a dove and flies away.)

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot swam for almost a year. I ate halva, ate persimmons - but kept my own in mind! Miracles in the world are like flies in a toilet, but the necessary miracle is not yet in sight. Fedot is worried - time is ticking! I decided without hysteria - I’ll go to America! Fedot floats among the endless waters, the sunset is ahead, the sunrise is behind. Suddenly, in the middle of the hike, the weather turned bad. There was no misfortune - and hello, the ship is a crap on you! - and fell into pieces!.. The thunderstorm subsided - Fedot opened his eyes: he was lying on the wave, completely unharmed. He sees the island sticking out like a float. I got to the shore, I thought - America. He took out the map, checked it - but no, not America! Buyan Island, damn it, maybe there’s some flaw in the map?! Fedot sits, hiccups, and takes in the situation...

Fedot

How much at the whim of the king
I did not sail overseas, -
I've never seen a lousier place
Frankly speaking!

Well, the island is just melancholy! -
All stone and sand.
And as long as the eye can see -
No river, no forest!

It wouldn't be a problem,
If only there was food here, -
If there were quinoa here,
If only quinoa would do!..

Who is hungry for food -
Let him come here:
I have plenty of food
I have her pounds!

For example, get
Rolls straight from the oven,
Here's a turkey roast
Here's a cherry plum compote!

Here are the sausages, here are the cheeses,
Here's half a centner of caviar,
Here are the Caribbean lobsters,
Here are the Don sturgeons!..

(Tables with food appear.)

Fedot

Do me the honor, master,
Show yourself what you are!
Somehow indecent for a guest
Drink and eat alone!

Tea, on your island
It's more fun to be bored together -
Where will we scatter the cards?
Let's pour a glass somewhere!..

I would be glad to have my portrait
It’s a secret for me too!
Sometimes I wonder myself
Either I exist or I don’t!..

I have countless worries:
There is food, but nothing to eat,
There is tobacco, but nothing to sniff,
There is a bench, but nothing to sit on!

So tired for a thousand years,
What is not the joy of white light!
I thought I would hang myself, -
Again, there is no neck!

Fedot

Oh yeah meeting! That is,
I managed to get you
That-FAQ-In-the-White-World -
Actually-Cannot-Be!

What, melancholy and moping,
To waste life in vain, -
Maybe you can swim with me
Before the Rasei king?..

Take a walk, freshen up,
Make friends with white light!
What is life without adventures?
Just horror, not life!..

I'm a helpful prospect
Never against!
I'm ready for the bees to enter the hive,
If only it were in colftiv!

Give the order - and no matter where,
At least for ore mining!
I'll work hard for nothing
No drinking and no food!

I'm good for any business,
I can enter any door
I'll get you whatever you want
Even a savvy louse!..

Fedot

Louse, of course it is, so?
Louse, it’s not bad either!
But on this insect
You won't get far!

Better get me a fleet -
Either a boat or a raft,
Since you're so skilled
A polyglot in this matter!

By morning, around five o'clock,
We must be on our way,
Because we are in Russia
We're already tired of waiting, guess!..

Buffoon-amusement

Meanwhile, the king does not waste time - he receives the ambassador of the cannibal tribe. London-Paris have greased their skis, the Tsar is left with thinner ambassadors! The Tsar just jumps like a goat in front of the ambassador: they say, here’s your daughter, take her - and that’s it! You know, things are really bad, since it has come to such a disaster! Well, okay, it can be worse - as long as the girl is with her husband!..

Tsar

Good afternoon, happy hour!
We are glad to see you here!
Take gud, salaam alaikum,
Bona sir, you ist das!

Who are you from?.. How old are you?..
Are you married or not?
Would you like to join our fraulein?
Cock tete-a-tete?

Nurse

To whom are you, old demon,
Are you breeding politeness here?
Your ambassador, I'm sorry,
The third day is like falling off a palm tree!

If he was wearing at least a cap, -
It wouldn't be such an embarrassment
And from his clothes -
Nothing other than beads!..

Tsar

You are a spy, that's a fact!
No matter what you blurt out, everything is out of tune!
You are with everyone abroad
I lost contact!

I've been waiting for messengers for years,
And she is theirs - from Sentsy!
For whom then the princess?
Give it away in the end?

Nurse

Look at his face:
Ears apart, nose ring!
And the skin is all pockmarked,
Like a cuckoo's egg!..

Even I - FAQ to hide? -
I wouldn't go to bed with him!
Is it really our girl?
Give it for this?..

Tsar

When the chances are zero,
They are looking for gold in the ashes!
The girl also means faces
Far from creme brulee!

Anything will do for her now -
Whether hunchbacked or pockmarked,
Because they are pockmarked
They don't rush to us in droves!..

Nurse

Well, he's from the wild places,
What he sees, he eats!
Do you remember the topaz vase?
He gobbled it up, Herod - here is the cross!

If only he had asked, the villain,
Salmon and milk mushrooms -
Well, he eats faq at random,
From porcelain to nails!

Tsar

Whatever he asks for, he is a guest!
Bring everything to him in handfuls!
Tea, we have no shortage
Neither in porcelain, nor in nails?

If he hates salmon,
Let him eat whatever he wants.
Look, on a full stomach
And he will seduce the princess!..

Nurse

Yes, ambassadors - at least give them poison! -
They'll eat everything for free!
Maybe he's safe
But let them follow him!

You tell him as father-in-law:
Eat, they say, everything, but know, they say, honor!
Because he's in the heat of the moment
And he can eat the princess!

Princess

So that you can go out into the world with something like this?
Well, pipes!.. Well, no!..
He's already unprepossessing,
Duck isho and a cannibal!..

Let him go, he's a troglodyte,
It will make me all rich, -
No reciprocal passion
He won't turn me on!

Tsar

Call back the ambassador
Yes, stay with him vis-a-vis,
And you will endure a little -
There it will come to love!

If this entot is a troglodyte
He will see your appearance, -
He will forever lose
Appetite for cannibalism!..

Princess

No matter how much you moan, dad,
The right to choose is mine!
I'll poison myself, but I won't
A cannibalistic wife!

But if he comes
With a proposal from Fedot, -
For me from the candidates
Anton will be the one!..

Tsar

Charged like a hoopoe -
Every word is Fedot!
Apart from Fedot, no
No sorrows, no worries!

Your Fedot is now at the bottom,
In the depths of Okiyansk,
And - since he was drowned -
Doesn't need a wife!..

Princess

If that's the case -
I refuse to eat!
Here's mine for you, daddy,
Political revenge!

I won't eat caviar,
As usual, a bucket at a time -
And out of exhaustion
I'll get sick and die!..

Tsar

Wherever you spit, wherever you poke, -
From ministers to relatives -
All are complete freethinkers,
All pests are the same!..

What a lump in my throat!
No sympathy for anyone!
I'll find a quieter forest
And I’ll get a job as a forester!..

Buffoon-amusement

A year has passed, another is coming - Fedot returned home. But there is no house, just a skeleton sticks out, beams and rafters, and nettles all around. And under the eaves, a bird, a forest pigeon, curled up in a gray ball...

Fedot

Come on, wifey, come on
Set the table for your husband!
Take it out of the oven for me
Brown the loaf!

Pour some hearty cabbage soup
Fatter and thicker, -
I have become skinny
From overseas vegetables!

There's no one in the whole house,
Except for the wind!
Suspicious matter
Is there a FAQ?

(Golubitsa turns into Marusya.)

Marusya

Welcome back, Fedot!
Your journey lasted a long time!
Al forgot his Marusya,
Why haven't you traveled for a whole year?

Abroad, I guess
Entertainment is a dime a dozen!
Looked at my girlfriend, I guess
Yes, he warmed up on his chest!..

Fedot

I saw the white light -
Josephine and Henriette, -
But beauties like you
Marusya is not among them!

And I went beyond the seas,
Although it takes a long time, it’s not in vain -
Still completed the task
The cunning king!..

Marusya

If only you knew, Fedot,
Who are you wasting your sweat on?
I wouldn't even take a step
From the gates of our birth!

You left - he, shameful,
He began to look after me
Persuaded, okhalnik,
Become a woman's wife!

Fedot

Really?.. Oh, villain!..
So now believe in people,
So stand for the honor of your uniform,
Here's to the service and for the sake of it!..

Oh well, I'll tell him
I'll explain what's what!
I'll take it to the very toes
I’ll sign it under Khokhloma!..

Stop making fools
From the race men!
I have nothing to lose now,
Except your own shackles!

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot got angry and called an honest people. The neighbors decided to help Feda. Frol took the stake, Ustin took the drin, Ignat took the grip. And everyone follows Fedot to the Tsar’s Gate. The general is coming towards them, damn him! He jumped up sideways, his pupils sparkled, he took a closer look - and went to the Tsar for a report!..

General

There gathered at the gate
Entot... what's his name... people!
In general, the matter is accepted
Social turnover!

And it’s all Fedot’s fault,
This is why he stirs up people, -
Incites the population
Start a revolution!..

Tsar

Well, why do we have you,
With a sword like this?
That's why we're holding you,
May the kings' peace be preserved!

After the rain on Thursday
I'll give you an extra medal,
Just try your best
So that the people do not overthrow me!..

General

Look, a medal!.. Great honor!..
I have countless awards:
All hung up like a Christmas tree,
There are six of them on the back!..

Protect you from harm
Now I have no reason!
You are for your own meanness
You have to answer for yourself!..

Buffoon-amusement

He was such a fool, but how he spoke! Even though the king is angry, try to hit it! This is not the time to hit the nail on the head. The king came out onto the porch, made a stern face, and in the square there were people - all of Russia was there!

Tsar

What about your mother?
I'm sorry, do you understand?
We are not some kind of storage,
To stir up trouble!

Who wants to go to Kolyma -
Come out one at a time!
There you will have a moment
Enlightenment in the mind!

Fedot

As for the mind, -
He is very fair:
Thank God we distinguish
Forget-me-not from crap!

Why don't you hurry me up
Sent over a hundred seas?
Isn't it just to get married?
On my wife?..

Tsar

Ento where are you, villain,
I got ideas like this
To rivet any FAQ
For decent people!

Does this suit me -
Molest your wife?..
Here they come, you fools,
On foreign tours!..

Fedot

Don't be too angry, -
We're here for tea, not for tea!
Well, you'll be racing, -
I'll accidentally drive into the snout!

About you, about the scoundrel,
Glory all the way to Cherepovets!
You are in the soul of all the people
Spit in my face!..

Tsar

You are in vain, Fedya, for me
My people are my relatives.
I have no thoughts about the people
I can't live even a day!..

In the morning I spread the sandwich -
Immediately I thought: what about the people?
And caviar doesn’t go down my throat,
And the compote doesn’t pour into your mouth!

At night I'll stand by the window
And I stand all night without sleep -
I'm still worried about Rasey,
How is she, poor thing?

And the culprit is the general,
Schemer and immoral!
This is him, the face of a cow,
You've sullied the princess's honor!

General

What are you, brothers?.. I'm for you
Lost an eye in the attack!..
Whenever I dare
Against the masses!..

I'll justify it. I'll serve.
I'll suffer. I'll do my time.
To the oppressive elite
I don't belong anymore!..

And the culprit is Yaga!
There is no more dangerous enemy!
In front of her is Gorynych himself -
So, not a snake, but a small fry!

Well, where are you, fidget?
Look people in the eyes!
Personally, I can't resist -
I'll hit you twice with my saber!..

Baba Yaga

I am a folklore element,
I have a document.
I can totally leave
Fly away at any moment!

For the heat, for the snowstorm
Everyone scolds me, the hag,
And there is no more harm in me,
Than in a chamomile in a meadow!

Well, by chance, well, jokingly,
I've lost my way!
After all, I am a child of nature,
It may be bad, but it’s a child!

If we judge those two,
My accomplices.
I look like evil spirits
And in fact, cleaner than them!..

Fedot

Well, you are cunning people -
It really takes me by surprise!
Everyone thinks everyone else is a freak,
Despite the fact that he himself is a freak.

At least the racial people
They don’t give in to reprisals,
But I have to, guys,
Bring a trial to you.

Tsar

Spare me, Sagittarius!
I'm a bastard! I'm a scoundrel!
I will exile myself to Voronezh,
I will exile myself to Yelets!..

Just not to Magadan,
This is beyond my years:
I'll get there by now -
I'm afraid I'll give you the oak!

General

I admit my guilt.
Meru. Degree. Depth.
And please guide me
For the current war.

But preferably in July,
And preferably in Crimea.

Baba Yaga

Where am I going, a widow?
Is it just to Khiva?
I'm already on the outskirts -
There's nowhere else to go! - I live!..

For me to rest my soul
Tetyushi would come!
Tama in the sense of medicine
The herbs are very good!..

Fedot

We'll put you in a tub,
Let's throw it into the sea - and hell!
You'll make do with a tub,
I won't give you the boat!

And the monstrosity will carry you
Straight to the island on Buyan!
Well, so as not to go wild,
Here's my personal button accordion.

True, he is my fault! —
Not a damn thing plays,
But no matter what,
And you need culture!

Princess

As for the king, -
Let him go overseas.
I have problems with war
Deep to the lantern!

He is punished by fate
For deceit and robbery.
This is him, the damned ghoul,
Separated me from you!

Thank God it's finally
The usurper is finished,
And now we can safely
Go down the aisle!..

Fedot

I would be glad to have it in my house
There's no need for two spouses!
Refer to this topic
To an unmarried person!..

Nurse

Are you crazy?
The fish swims into the net by itself!
Tea, not everyone is so lucky
Get it for free!

Ali think behind her
Are there not enough guys running around?
On her list of candidates
There are nicer guys!

All with excitement in the blood
Waiting for princess love
The competition is like this -
Just spray them with dust!

Just got married just before dawn
At once a Turk, a Greek and a Swede, -
We got it right away
Negative answer!

And to the poor archer
Arrogance is not at all becoming.
Take, fool, the princess
And drag her to the crown!..

Fedot

I'm neither Turkish nor Greek,
I'm a family man
And with my wife Marusya
I won't part forever!

Princess

So you can't bear it
I'm burning to help the girl?
But for now I'm still
After all, the Tsar's daughter!

If I don't get it
I want a FAQ from you -
You will go away
Straight into the clutches of the executioner!

Nurse

Where are you - oh and hot! -
Will you find the executioner?
When dad was overthrown, he
Immediately gave the goosebumps!

Now we need to keep this in mind! -
You have to be in harmony with the crowd:
Despotism is not in fashion now,
Democracy is on the move.

I wish you could leave
In this... what's his name... in Brussels,
Once this happens,
Sorry, carousel!

Forgive her, Fedot, -
There's confusion in her mind
She gets her thoughts from books
They stood backwards.

Dumas has read a lot -
So she went crazy!
Get a little freaked out -
Calm down yourself!..

Fedot

Come on, princess, don’t be sad!
And don’t crunch your muscles!
That our love didn’t work out,
Forgive me for that!

But since I'm in debt
I can't stay
I am in your misfortune -
I will help as best I can!

I'm from Tula to Torzhok
I'll search everything to the top,
Even from the bottom of the sea -
And I’ll get it, groom!

Princess

I agree!.. But still
Not just anyone will be good enough for me.
I want a husband like this
So that he looks like you!

Whether he is a Swede or a reaper,
Doctor, baker or blacksmith, -
I have one condition:
Let him be your twin!..

Fedot

I am your dream, my friend.
I'll definitely take it into account
At least such copies
Everything in Rasey counts.

As for the mind -
I don't have any duplicates.
However, this is what I hope
You noticed it yourself.

Well, well done
Still no thinner than jellied meat:
Since I promised -
I'll get a twin!

And now, honest people,
Get the faces out of your beards!
Tea, we are not having a memorial service,
Quite the opposite!

Now we can’t shed tears, -
Sing songs and drink mead!..
Come on, stand in front of me,
That-FAQ-Cannot-Be!..

I've been standing here for a long time,
At the edge of the porch,
I'm waiting for you to finish
Your meeting!..

Fedot

Treat the honest people
From overseas bounties!
Tea, they are such food
From birth they never put it in their mouth.

Offer them in reality
Samarkand halva,
And Turkish pistachio,
And Persian quince!

Put everything on the tablecloth -
Chocolate and marmalade,
And Dutch brisket
And Chukhonsky servelat!

Don't forget the Swiss cheese
The one that's all holes!
Throw us a glorious feast,
The likes of which the world has never seen!

Well, if someone asks
About a hundred grams of mash -
So be it!.. Today you can!..
Thank God, there is something!..

Buffoon-amusement

I was at that feast and ate grainy caviar. Prov ate pilaf, Filat ate salad. Ustin ate galantine. And Fedot the Sagittarius ate a pickled cucumber. And when he ate the cucumber, that’s the end of the fairy tale! And if a fairy tale is bad, it’s the storyteller’s fault. I wish I could catch the fool and give him a blow, but there’s no way - after all, the narrator is a fool! And since time immemorial we have not had a court for fools!..

In our writing country
They even write on the wall.
So the hunt came to me
Be equal to everyone!

This work has become a real folk tale. It spread with catchphrases.

Heroes and plot

The plot of the work is traditional for many Russian folk tales: the king, wanting to destroy the archer and marry his wife, comes up with tests for the hero. The last test is an impossible task to bring “that, FAQ in this world - in general - cannot happen”. The successful hero's solution to this riddle leads the king to lose his throne.

The traditional heroes of the work are the tsar, the commandant (Filatov’s general), Fedot the Archer, his wife (Marusya), Baba Yaga, fellow assistants (Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich) and matchmaker Naum ( Voice or That-FAQ-Cannot-Be). In addition to the heroes of the source fairy tale, Leonid Filatov introduces into the narrative the princess and the nanny, as well as minor characters - foreign ambassadors. The characters are very diverse:

• Tit Kuzmich and Frol Fomich are two male assistants who carry out all Marusya’s instructions, quickly and efficiently:

Don't hesitate,
Tea, it's not the first time!

• The Tsar is an old intriguer and ladies' man, trying to woo Fedot's young wife.
• The nanny is a smart grump and a cheapskate.
• The general is an executive fool.
• Baba Yaga is a vile swindler.
• Numerous foreign ambassadors are fanatical gluttons, regardless of their nationality.
• That-FAQ-In-the-White-Light-It-Cannot-Be-At-Large (aka the Voice) - a lack-of-initiative, naive good-natured fellow:

I've been standing here for a long time
At the edge of the porch,
I'm waiting for you to finish
Your meeting!

• Marusya is a helpful and wise wife:

I will sew, wash, cook,
Don’t reproach for insults,
And play the violin for you,
And kill the bugs for you.

• Fedot is a hero who knows his worth:

As for the mind,
He is very fair:
Thank God we distinguish
Forget-me-not from crap!

The “fool” narrator, who anticipates all possible accusations, looks no less grotesque:

I would like to catch a fool and give him a blow, but there is no way: after all, the narrator is a fool! And since time immemorial we have not had a court for fools!..

Productions and film adaptations

Based on this work, many performances were staged in various theaters in Russia and the CIS, and films were also made. In 1988, the television play “About Fedot the Sagittarius, a daring fellow” was released, in which Leonid Filatov starred in the genre of a one-man theater.

In 2002, an audio play was released as part of the Leonid Filatov Theater project. This rare audio version read by theater and film actors was published back in 1988, but remained unknown to most listeners.

• Fedot - Alexey Zharkov;
• Tsar - Evgeny Evstigneev;
• Nanny - Tatyana Peltzer;
• General - Leonid Markov;
• Baba Yaga - Liya Akhedzhakova;
• Buffoon-player - Alexander Filippenko.

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An excerpt characterizing About Fedot the Sagittarius, a daring fellow

Quickly in the semi-darkness they dismantled the horses, tightened the girths and sorted out the teams. Denisov stood at the guardhouse, giving the last orders. The party's infantry, slapping a hundred feet, marched forward along the road and quickly disappeared between the trees in the predawn fog. Esaul ordered something to the Cossacks. Petya held his horse on the reins, impatiently awaiting the order to mount. Washed with cold water, his face, especially his eyes, burned with fire, a chill ran down his back, and something in his whole body trembled quickly and evenly.
- Well, is everything ready for you? - Denisov said. - Give us the horses.
The horses were brought in. Denisov became angry with the Cossack because the girths were weak, and, scolding him, sat down. Petya took hold of the stirrup. The horse, out of habit, wanted to bite his leg, but Petya, not feeling his weight, quickly jumped into the saddle and, looking back at the hussars who were moving behind in the darkness, rode up to Denisov.
- Vasily Fedorovich, will you entrust me with something? Please... for God's sake... - he said. Denisov seemed to have forgotten about Petya’s existence. He looked back at him.
“I ask you about one thing,” he said sternly, “to obey me and not to interfere anywhere.”
During the entire journey, Denisov did not speak a word to Petya and rode in silence. When we arrived at the edge of the forest, the field was noticeably getting lighter. Denisov spoke in a whisper with the esaul, and the Cossacks began to drive past Petya and Denisov. When they had all passed, Denisov started his horse and rode downhill. Sitting on their hindquarters and sliding, the horses descended with their riders into the ravine. Petya rode next to Denisov. The trembling throughout his body intensified. It became lighter and lighter, only the fog hid distant objects. Moving down and looking back, Denisov nodded his head to the Cossack standing next to him.
- Signal! - he said.
The Cossack raised his hand and a shot rang out. And at the same instant, the tramp of galloping horses was heard in front, shouts from different sides and more shots.
At the same instant as the first sounds of stomping and screaming were heard, Petya, hitting his horse and releasing the reins, not listening to Denisov, who was shouting at him, galloped forward. It seemed to Petya that it suddenly dawned as brightly as the middle of the day at that moment when the shot was heard. He galloped towards the bridge. Cossacks galloped along the road ahead. On the bridge he encountered a lagging Cossack and rode on. Some people ahead - they must have been French - were running from the right side of the road to the left. One fell into the mud under the feet of Petya's horse.
Cossacks crowded around one hut, doing something. A terrible scream was heard from the middle of the crowd. Petya galloped up to this crowd, and the first thing he saw was the pale face of a Frenchman with a shaking lower jaw, holding onto the shaft of a lance pointed at him.
“Hurray!.. Guys... ours...” Petya shouted and, giving the reins to the overheated horse, galloped forward down the street.
Shots were heard ahead. Cossacks, hussars and ragged Russian prisoners, running from both sides of the road, were all shouting something loudly and awkwardly. A handsome Frenchman, without a hat, with a red, frowning face, in a blue overcoat, fought off the hussars with a bayonet. When Petya galloped up, the Frenchman had already fallen. I was late again, Petya flashed in his head, and he galloped to where frequent shots were heard. Shots rang out in the courtyard of the manor house where he was with Dolokhov last night. The French sat down there behind a fence in a dense garden overgrown with bushes and fired at the Cossacks crowded at the gate. Approaching the gate, Petya, in the powder smoke, saw Dolokhov with a pale, greenish face, shouting something to the people. “Take a detour! Wait for the infantry!” - he shouted, while Petya drove up to him.
“Wait?.. Hurray!..” Petya shouted and, without hesitating a single minute, galloped to the place from where the shots were heard and where the powder smoke was thicker. A volley was heard, empty bullets squealed and hit something. The Cossacks and Dolokhov galloped after Petya through the gates of the house. The French, in the swaying thick smoke, some threw down their weapons and ran out of the bushes to meet the Cossacks, others ran downhill to the pond. Petya galloped on his horse along the manor's yard and, instead of holding the reins, strangely and quickly waved both arms and fell further and further out of the saddle to one side. The horse, running into the fire smoldering in the morning light, rested, and Petya fell heavily onto the wet ground. The Cossacks saw how quickly his arms and legs twitched, despite the fact that his head did not move. The bullet pierced his head.
After talking with the senior French officer, who came out to him from behind the house with a scarf on his sword and announced that they were surrendering, Dolokhov got off his horse and approached Petya, who was lying motionless, with his arms outstretched.
“Ready,” he said, frowning, and went through the gate to meet Denisov, who was coming towards him.
- Killed?! - Denisov cried out, seeing from afar the familiar, undoubtedly lifeless position in which Petya’s body lay.
“Ready,” Dolokhov repeated, as if pronouncing this word gave him pleasure, and quickly went to the prisoners, who were surrounded by dismounted Cossacks. - We won’t take it! – he shouted to Denisov.
Denisov did not answer; he rode up to Petya, got off his horse and with trembling hands turned Petya’s already pale face, stained with blood and dirt, towards him.
“I’m used to something sweet. Excellent raisins, take them all,” he remembered. And the Cossacks looked back in surprise at the sounds similar to the barking of a dog, with which Denisov quickly turned away, walked up to the fence and grabbed it.
Among the Russian prisoners recaptured by Denisov and Dolokhov was Pierre Bezukhov.

There was no new order from the French authorities about the party of prisoners in which Pierre was, during his entire movement from Moscow. This party on October 22 was no longer with the same troops and convoys with which it left Moscow. Half of the convoy with breadcrumbs, which followed them during the first marches, was repulsed by the Cossacks, the other half went ahead; there were no more foot cavalrymen who walked in front; they all disappeared. The artillery, which had been visible ahead during the first marches, was now replaced by a huge convoy of Marshal Junot, escorted by the Westphalians. Behind the prisoners was a convoy of cavalry equipment.

Leonid Filatov

About Fedot-Sagittarius

Fairy tale for the theater (Based on Russian folklore)

Buffoon-amusement

Believe it or not, but Fedot the Sagittarius lived in this world, a daring fellow. Fedot was neither handsome nor ugly, neither ruddy, nor pale, neither rich nor poor, neither scabbed nor brocade, but just like that. Fedot's service includes fishing and hunting. To the Tsar - game and fish, to Fedot - thank you. Guests in the palace are like seeds in a cucumber. One is from Sweden, another from Greece, the third from Hawaii - and give everyone something to eat! One gets lobster, another gets squid, the third gets sardines, but there is only one earner! One day they give him an order: to appear at court at just light in the morning. The king looks like a morel, has a head as big as a fist, and there is an enormous amount of malice in him. He looks at Fedka like an ulcer man looks at a radish. Fedka's shirt got wet from fear, there was a pounding in his temples, a growling in his belly, and here, as they say, the beginning of a fairy tale...

Tsar

Come to us for morning pickle
The English ambassador arrived,
And in our house there are snacks -
Half a slice and a corn.

Get ready, brother, let's go
Bring us some food -
Capercaillie or partridge,
Al isho someone.

If you can't, who's to blame? –
I must execute you.
State business -
Are you catching the thread?..

Fedot

There's something I don't understand
In my mind?..
Tea, I slurp cabbage soup without bast shoes,
I'm figuring out what's what.

It turns out that it's on me
All politics in the country:
I won’t get a partridge -
There will certainly be war.

So that the English ambassador
I wasn’t angry from hunger -
I won't spare my head
I’ll provide the pickle!..

Buffoon-amusement

The king's word is harder than crackers. If he sends you to the bear, you will go to the bear, but where to go - you have to, Fedya! Or game and fish - or sword and rack. Fedot walked through a hundred forests, a hundred swamps, but all in vain - not a partridge, not a wood grouse! Tired, no urine, and it’s late at night. Even with an empty bag, it’s time to go home. Suddenly he sees a bird, a forest pigeon, sitting, not hiding, not afraid of a gun...

Fedot

This is misfortune, this is trouble,
There is no trace of game.
I'll shoot a pigeon
At least some kind of food!

But generally speaking,
Pigeons are scolded in vain.
Pigeon - if in gravy -
He is no worse than a wood grouse!..

Blueberry

You, Fedot, don’t touch me,
There is not a penny's benefit in this, -
And you can't fill the pan,
And you can't stuff the pillow.

Tea, overseas gentleman
Loves fresh galantine
What kind of meat is there in me?
So, no meat, just laughter!..

Fedot

Is the devil now zealous?
Is the air drunk now?
Maybe something happened in my ear?
What flaw do I have?

Either from the royal windows
Such a law was announced
For the birds to talk
In human language?..

Blueberry

Don’t commit robbery, Fedot,
And take me with you.
How will you bring me into the light
I will become your destiny.

I will sew, wash, cook,
Don’t reproach for insults,
And play the violin for you,
And kill the bugs for you!..

Fedot

What kind of parable is this - I don’t understand?..
Okay, get into my bag!..
There, on the spot, we'll figure it out,
Who's going where and what's what!

Buffoon-amusement

Fedot brought the little turtledove to his place, which means he went to the little mountain. He sits sadly, hanging his head. And there are serious reasons for the sadness. Our Fedot's hunt did not go well. But the tsar doesn’t like to joke - he’ll chop your head off in no time. Fedot sits, sad, and says goodbye to the white light. I remembered about the bird, the forest pigeon. Lo and behold, in the middle of the hill, instead of that turtle dove, there stands a beautiful maiden, slender as a tree!..

Marusya

Hello, Fedya!.. You and me -
We are now one family.

I am your wife, Marusya,
I am your wife.

Why are you silent, dear friend Fedot,
How can you get water into your mouth?..
It’s not the same kokoshnik I’m wearing,
Is the outfit I’m wearing wrong?..

Fedot

To you, my soul,
A century would look without breathing,
Just to become your husband
There's no chance for me!..

I was there - just before dawn -
At a reception with the king,
Well, the king gave me a task
I mean, it means wood grouse.

Even though it’s not the season for game,
There is no reason to argue with the authorities:
Okay, I think I'll get it
Tea, capercaillie, not bison.

I walked all day
And good luck - at least a shadow:
Not a single serious bird
Everything is complete rubbish!..

And now, my dear friend,
No time for dancing on the meadow -
Tomorrow the king will take care of this matter
He'll chop my head off.

And I'm useless like that
Neither at work, nor at home,
Because my whole point
Exclusively in the mind!..

Marusya

Don't freak out and don't whine!
There will be a table and there will be game!
Well, stand in front of me,
Titus Kuzmich and Frol Fomich!

(Marusya claps her hands - two strapping young men appear)

If you understand the order -
Do it now!

Well done

Don't hesitate,
Tea, this is not the first time!..

Buffoon-amusement

And the king and the ambassador are already sitting at the table. Nearby - look at that! - princess and nanny. And everyone is waiting for the promised food from Fedya. What's a conversation without a hearty lunch? And the table is empty: carrots and cabbage, dill and parsley - that’s the whole feast. The guest is bored, shakes his boots, examines the holes in the tablecloth. The Tsar is angry and does not notice how he calls Fedka after his mother. Suddenly, as if from heaven: a loaf of bread, a badey caviar, stewed turkey, sterlet fish soup, veal offal - and there are thousands of names for such food! With such food - how can there not be a conversation!..

Tsar

Causes antiresis
Your technical progress:
How do you sow rutabaga there?
With or without peel?..

Ambassador

Tsar

Causes antiresis
Your nutritional process:
How do they drink kakava there?
With or without saccharin?..

Ambassador

Tsar

Causes antiresis
And this is the cut:
How do your women walk there?
With or without trousers?

Ambassador

Nurse

I would have been embarrassed to even send an ambassador!..
Has his head completely weakened?..
No matter what they say -
Anything will lead to women!

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